Post-breakup part 1

I want to write a little about the men after the officially break up. Sometimes I got text, sometimes someone tried to call back, sometimes i called them back... "breaking up is never easy i know, but i have to go..." like ABBA song...




1. The Peaceful Harbor


After few weeks, John started texting me again. “can we be friend”. “John, where is your girlfriend?” “I’m sorry we have never had a real relationship. You were so nice and beautiful. We’d never yelled or said bad words to each other…” (It’s mean he were yelling to his girlfriend?). “Friends are ok. Remember I told you I have some silk table runners from Vietnam would like to try if people like it here? I would like to put it in your place, to see if any comment or any one like it?”. “sure, please do, I’d love to have those to sell here…”. “Great! Thanks in advance. I’ll bring it down to your business on Tuesday, my day off. I’ll call before leaving”

Tuesday, I called. No one answer.

He disappeared again.

Few more weeks, he texted again” hey Lina, how are you? I miss you. Can I come over to your place for pedicure?”. “are you fighting with your girlfriend again?” “I’m sorry Lina. We got a fight. I want to see you”. “John, it’s not right. You hurt me before. Now you want to hurt both of me and her by seeing me?”. “You are right Lina. It’s not right. I’m sorry Lina. Ah, the runner things, why don’t you bring them down here?” (come on, I called many times. You were disappeared. I guess you were happy so didn’t bother more). “sure, will do it next Tuesday, my only day off”. “ok, see you then”

And disappeared again (of course)

A month later: “Lina, can I come over to take you out for dinner?”. “fighting again?”. “I’m sorry Lina. You are a nice girl”. “but it’s not nice when you keep on calling me whenever you fight with her”. “I came back home from work. She was sleeping and drunk. She is a nice girl, but she drink too much.” I didn’t want to reply him again, so after this would be all his text, one by one, kept coming until 2am “I’m not happy. I wanted to take you out for dinner. I’m in casino in Connecticut now. I drove 45 minutes here. I just wanted to be happy today. I don’t want to fight. She moved in, so I don’t want to start problems. I think she was nice girl. But she drinks too much. I miss you Lina… im unhappy tonight. I lost my money. Will drive back soon. Have to open the restaurant tomorrow morning. Can I pick you up on my way home, we’ll go to a diner for some food? … Lina, I lost my money, very bad luck today. I’m heading home. 45 minutes driving. But I have to open tomorrow…. That table runner thing, just bring them down here, I’ll put it in the shop…”

I was sleeping since 11pm.

2. The Boring guy

Few months after he broke up, in a lonely night, I check his facebook out. Of course we had never been facebook friend, he never wanted to open that much, but I can see the cover
And his friend lists...
Have been expanding...
And what did I see after few months? He got lots more friend…. Someones’s asian profile pictures are bad quality kind of naked… some girls trying to show the body under cheap undergarments in front of self-made studio backgrounds, with unprofessional shots.
Is that really his taste? Because I was never been allowed to be in his friend list…
Mixing feeling…

3. The Trainer
Right the next early morning, I got a text “hey, I’m sorry. Do you want breakfast?”. (what???)
The text kept on coming for few weeks “you should give me another chance. I haven’t know anything about you yet….”
Somehow I agreed to meet again.
Cracked some jokes. Then we parted. I didn’t think we need another chance.
Few more weeks, match.com notice he put me in the list of “interested in you”.
“are you crazy!” “yeah, you kept on appeared on my match list.”
I agree to make it another try
We met on Thursday. Cracked some jokes, have fun, sweet kiss… “I’d like to meet your son. Three of us can go somewhere together…”
I always feel soften when it went to my special son.
And he disappeared weekend. “I’m been sick”
No, this is not foreign to me. Just like “the 28”, “the short”… the whatever… same song of being sick…
Then appeared again, from the thin air… cracked more jokes, kisses…
And disappeared again.
Few days after, I text him” still want to see my son?”
This is the reply:”I just found out yesterday the girl I was dating is 5 month pregnant with my kid. I want to try to be with her. I’m sorry…”
Great! New song I guess…

Please calm down my little heart

Couldn’t sleep last night wondering the person I have become, is that far from my original? Have I lost myself somewhere in the crazy dating market? Or the bad experiences have me ruined.

Such a big mess I became. Found myself scare tiff every time phone ring, so I left it home. Do we really need cell phone every moment? Give myself a break, little peace without checking, waiting and afraid of phone rings. Release myself from the invisible ties somehow we’d gained together with high technology.

Try to calm down.

Is that when I feel depressed the most, something would happen to save my soul. A pen-mate in Euro early morning saw me online at late New York night, sensed the extraordinary, got on to comfort. Advices from seniors always are big help, especially when they are from a big writer name, with somehow similar expatriate loneliness. He sent me a story he wrote, “love life”, which I read and read and cried. How much pain, how much sadness, how much love he put in the lines. Just 2 dogs, made up the whole story, moved me. If the dogs could live for each other, why not us human!

Someone hurt me and I hurt others… why we can’t make each other happy, why we can’t live because of each other… just like this dog Luca in Nguyen Van Tho’s “love life”. I thought of a junior man, promised to die at the same day, so we would not have to miss each other in heaven. How ironic is a lie… I thought of a sweet man, looking at my dating, keeping his sadness inside. He loves me, but can’t give me what I need of a little happy family, so courage me to get out, to look for my happiness. How unselfish a man can be… why I couldn’t accept with my destiny, to be with him, to share the rest of our lives. I thought about diabetes, the illness had blocked my sweet man from having happiness.

Sometimes I think about the circuits of life. We got in, run around, hurt around… I think about the selfish in each man, playing around, breaking young girl hearts. Once again, I think about the waste of 95 percent good looking men. Somehow the luck of being handsome, easy to get what they want, stop them from getting better, going further in lives. But the rest 5%, overcome that circuit, would become senator one day. When they don’t have to spend too much energy chasing girls, but stable with a sweet heart, save all the mind and heart for the career booming.

And for me too… how can I get out of this circuit, to calm down, settle down with a manly man… and be happy again.

Why I have to be out there hurting others…

And getting hurt back…

Pls. calm down my little heart. You can do better than that.