Couldn’t sleep last night wondering the person I have become, is that far from my original? Have I lost myself somewhere in the crazy dating market? Or the bad experiences have me ruined.
Such a big mess I became. Found myself scare tiff every time phone ring, so I left it home. Do we really need cell phone every moment? Give myself a break, little peace without checking, waiting and afraid of phone rings. Release myself from the invisible ties somehow we’d gained together with high technology.
Try to calm down.
Is that when I feel depressed the most, something would happen to save my soul. A pen-mate in Euro early morning saw me online at late New York night, sensed the extraordinary, got on to comfort. Advices from seniors always are big help, especially when they are from a big writer name, with somehow similar expatriate loneliness. He sent me a story he wrote, “love life”, which I read and read and cried. How much pain, how much sadness, how much love he put in the lines. Just 2 dogs, made up the whole story, moved me. If the dogs could live for each other, why not us human!
Someone hurt me and I hurt others… why we can’t make each other happy, why we can’t live because of each other… just like this dog Luca in Nguyen Van Tho’s “love life”. I thought of a junior man, promised to die at the same day, so we would not have to miss each other in heaven. How ironic is a lie… I thought of a sweet man, looking at my dating, keeping his sadness inside. He loves me, but can’t give me what I need of a little happy family, so courage me to get out, to look for my happiness. How unselfish a man can be… why I couldn’t accept with my destiny, to be with him, to share the rest of our lives. I thought about diabetes, the illness had blocked my sweet man from having happiness.
Sometimes I think about the circuits of life. We got in, run around, hurt around… I think about the selfish in each man, playing around, breaking young girl hearts. Once again, I think about the waste of 95 percent good looking men. Somehow the luck of being handsome, easy to get what they want, stop them from getting better, going further in lives. But the rest 5%, overcome that circuit, would become senator one day. When they don’t have to spend too much energy chasing girls, but stable with a sweet heart, save all the mind and heart for the career booming.
And for me too… how can I get out of this circuit, to calm down, settle down with a manly man… and be happy again.
Why I have to be out there hurting others…
And getting hurt back…
Pls. calm down my little heart. You can do better than that.
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