I want to write about love...

I have one heart. It’s not big, just small enough to tug fit in my little body. My heart is not close to the head, but somehow my mind end up listening to it every moment. Some said heart is strong, some said heart is powerful. I said my heart is full of love.

Heart sometimes moves when a manly man hand reaches for mine. It then beats like drum if it happens in public. My heart is shy, unconfident under manly starry eyes, it would make the head turn around, make the eyes close if the stare remain strongly. Sometimes, it makes the head drop down, bury in manly lap like an ostrich in desert. Heart makes my nose sensitive, to sense the manly scent, then storage it somewhere in mind’s drawers. Sometimes, such as a slow rainy day, would take it out. Perhaps it’s why we miss someone.… Sometimes it makes me fall from head to toes…

I love the moments being together with a manly man, bundle up, quiet, listen to our hearts beat. Sometimes, two heart tango dance around together, sometimes they are chasing each other in each gap. Sometimes, they are just asleep.

I love the evenings watching a film on TV together in a small simple quiet living room. The sound of scary music, the sneak up thought of work, of life circuits. Deep down, in the bottom of our hearts, would be peace, because we are together.

I love to be lazy in manly arms, do nothing, feels the warm, the care like a little baby inside powerful protection. I love the moment walking down the lakes, arm in arm, tip toes try to reach up the kiss from tall bending man, to forget the cold breeze.

How many happy moments we got before parted? How long till the selfish interfered in and took the man away? It must be hard to be man, to stay and take charge. That’ why they have to go, to change, to run… How much love left after all the parting pains. Why is still like full, or the time refill love again in my heart?

Some said love is fragile, come and go, break down easily. Some said love is unreal, just like dreams in each heart…

Some said we would never see love at the right time, because when we find out, the moment had parted. That’s why we are always long for a pass shadows. Some said men are too arrogant and selfish to see your love. The moment they appreciate you the most, is when you are saying good bye.

So regrets remain. That’s why memories are always lingered. That’s why we sometimes miss a day in the pass and cry alone in our eye corners. My whole life, I have run around looking for love… and got a lot of regrets.

But we still dream for a forever love. Consciousness or not, we still hope for a happy ending. In my little heart, I still crave for an unbreakable vow. Maybe it’s untrue, maybe it’s unreal, but it’s what we wish for, we love for, we live for.

Until we die…

crying men

Sometimes, we girls fight with each other about the man types. Who is the most attractive man out there? Why don’t you like this one, why we fall for other...

To me, manly man is not the powerful guy making speeches every day on TV, or the big one showing off muscles on the beaches. I respect them, for their power, for their muscles, but I don’t fall for them.

Instead, I have always fall for the crying men.

The courage men after going through dangers, could sat down and cry. The powerful at home making sunny side up egg for his sweetheart. The talents but humbles, the riches who believe showing off is rude. The full-of-muscles never let himself to hurt a rose…

These men move my hearts by miles…

Because life is never perfect. Because everyone has weakness, because Simson’s strength was hide in his long hairs. Because we all have a beating heart under our chest…

Because every medal has the other side. Because victory wouldn’t claim by luck. Because we all know diamond needed to be painfully cut to make that beautiful shining ring.

Because spotlights are for publics. Off the lights, we remain two naked humans. The moment you show the deep down fears, the weaknesses, is the moment you find the way to our-women’s hearts, the moment we-women want us to be a team, to support each other, to make each other a better person. The bigger your image got in public, the more emptiness in your soul. That’s why you need more supports…

Tears are not shames. After making through the tough road, passing the dangers, do you think you deserve few softness moments. So please don’t brave that cold faces, those cold arms and seem- like- cold- hearts in not necessary time. Relax, the battery need to be recharged. Don’t hesitate showing the soft side, is also a great courage, only real manly men would be able to do.

Because behind every great man is a great woman.

the 28- part 2

Two weeks after my Westchester trip, the pains had cooled down, I changed his name in my cell phone contact list to “Adam the liar” and finally texted him. I wanted him to know “It’s hurt”.

Honestly, the feeling I had for that young guy was strong. My self-ego was hurt. I know I could just forget about it, let it go, time will easy my pain. But I know there’s another way, to heal faster, is coping with the pain. I should give me some more time with him. More time, to see the worse part of the guy, to see clearly the dishonest, the unfaithfulness, will veto all the regret, the good feeling I had for him. And yes, if any good thing happen, it would be nice heal.

So I changed is name on my cell phone contact list to “Adam the liar”, to remind me about what’s happened.

He explained the night” my friend wanted me to go out, but I didn’t feel well, so he came over to pick me up. I went to his place to watch a DVD”.

(he or she? Of it’s a regular friend, of course he could answer my worry texts/ calls, could tell me that he was ok, could stop me from worrying sick.)

“you scared my roommate, you should not come over”

(nope. If I knew you were not home, just didn’t want to answer my call, I would save my self from that horrible strip. Never be good driver, I was so scare of that slippery and narrow Westchester highways.)

He was kind of like yell at me about the roommate, kind of over reactions (between us, who should be the mad person?).

So I understood the landlord/roommate must be extra mad at him, and he put the mad on my face.

“He almost called the cop when you come!”

Now, it’s not right. “look, who would scare of sock wet harmless girl like me that day? If he really scare of me, must be something wrong here.”

“nothing wrong with him, he is just old. Do you understand old man?”

(come on, old people love me. And if the old man-landlord-roommate used to work in the Academy of Merchant Marine, used to be called “commander” at school, do you think he would be the one who scare of a little tiny sock wet wearing glasses Asian girl? It’s not logical)

That’s the time I see the boy-ist in him.

May be I was old, and forget about how to deal with young boy. So I asked my little sister, who is about 2 years younger than him and 12 years younger than me. “Just ignore him few days, he’d come back”.

Ah, just ignore him.

So he came back.

But we’d fight again about the landlord-roommate-whatever…

And I just let it go, decided to write him an email for my plan.

…That’s why I don’t like fighting, when people start throwing bad words to each other. I don’t think it’s important who’ll win. We’ll both lose each self and other. Lose anyway. Why we have to fight. Of course we are different people, but somehow is an advance if we learn about each other, we can double our background.

If we can’t make each other happier, better in our lives, why do we need to be in a relationship? We can just play around and live for today. Easier and simpler! A relationship, in my world, is better than that, where we are looking to the same direction, the same future, like team work. A relationship would help us to reach a better level. A relationship needs to work harder, sound like less fun for partiers, but more fun for adventurers and more secure at heart.

I said my feeling for you is rare and strong. It’s higher than determine who win in the fight. But it’s my side. It’d be my real disadvantage if you don’t feel the same. It’s too early to say anything. We have just met for couple weeks or so. The rest were waiting times. What can we expect from learning each other in that kind of short period.

Between us is 10 years and a half. You are too young and I can’t wait. I want to restart a family, have more kid like all boring people do. I have to work hard for a while, to have kids, to go back to school, to have kind of future. But after a while, then I can enjoy life again, in different way and higher level.

You said you didn’t have girlfriend. It’s great. But if you have someone, or few someones, it’s ok for now, you don’t have to tell me.

I’d like to suggest a period of 2 months, for us to learn about each other. After these 2 months, you let me know your decision.

1.       You choose to be with me, be part of my life. We build a faithful future together. I said I was a good supporter. I know we would be a great couple. Together, we can do a lot. By then, we don’t have to fight with each other, but support each other to fight with outsiders.

2.        Or you decide to choose another woman. We’ll say good bye then. It would be hurt in my side. My feeling is rare and strong. But I will not die. Life will have to move on.

3.       Or you decide you are too young to settle down, you want to get more freedom, more women, more fun and parties… We’d have to part, because I can’t wait. Once again, will be hurt, but I will not die. Life will have to move on.

Or by now, you just tell me if you don’t like my 2 month idea at all. You want to live the life without me. It’s ok too. Just let me know. I’ll stop bothering you.

But if you like the idea, I’ll start by saying I miss you.

You don’t have to answer right away. Take your time to think about it. I can wait few days.

Nite

Afer few days, I texted him

“I want to know your opinion of my deal”

“yes, I would like to try”

So we started the time. It’s still same thing as it used to be. He disappeared, and appeared and disappeared. When he with me, he left the phone in his car, so he didn’t have to answer (or didn’t want me to know someone is trying to call him, just like he never answer me when he was with her). But as the deal, I didn’t say anything…

So just after few weeks, the great trustable bright smile slowly showing a unfaithfully person. I was shocked seeing myself asking funny questions “where are you… what are you doing… any one with you…” something that I had never done in my life, totally not my way.

All of a sudden, I realize the jealous women I met, I heard… because of the way the men treat them. I was long distance with my husband for years, then we’d been married for 8 years… never have to worry about if he had any other. I was with K, with B- even B was married…  

That’s a lesson that I’d never learnt, that when we don’t trust the partner, there’s space for jealous. Since my trip to Westchester, I have no longer trusted Adam. Of course he’d always tried to come up with a reason to explain to me.

But as the deal, I kept quiet. I think two months is good enough for me to ready to leave him without feeling hurt.

However, thing start sooner than that.

One night, I got a text message

“love you too boob”

(what? I’d never said I love this guy!)

“sorry I was talking to my sister”

“so how is your boy?” (I was just come back home from hospital. My son had been there for a while. I was so exhausted and stress out

 “It’s ok Adam. I know you have someone. My son’s better. We are home”

“Are you tired?”

“Of course I’m sad to see the confirmation. Tired too, yes. Exhausted of stress”

“Confirmation of what?”

“Adam. Pls. stop. I knew you are seeing other girl. That’s good to know you even love her boob”

“Whatever you say”

“dating in NY is really a shock to me. Can you check email there”

“why”

“Just don’t bother…I can tell that you’re always suspicious and always asking questions… That’s too much for me to deal with.

“My questions started since your trip to atlantic city. I understood it was not your mom with you. It’s shock and hurt like hell”

“You need someone who will stay with you all day that you can keep an eye on… That’s not me”

“you are the one who changed my behavior. I’d never ask my ex. He was always free…but when I know the pain of unfaithful… but it’s not important any more”

“Well go one with you life thinking whatever you want to think. I did go to atlantic city with my mom. Sorry that’s so shocking to you.”

“It’s easy to be free when you have no job or ambitions. Just stay with your ex-husband. That’s what you are looking for anyway.”

“you don’t understand. He has been sick for very long time. Before that he was very ambitious and hard worker. Was in long distant relationship for 3 years, never asking…

(yes, you will never ask if you trust the person. I learnt that now)

“Or if you want I’ll quit my job and move in with you and you can pay all the bills… then I’ll be free all the time”

“used to think of how to pay your bills if you go back to school”

“I wouldn’t let you do that”

“Well. I knew you wouldn’t. So I thought if you invested in a shop, I can manage, so you still go back to school, still got your own income…”

“thanks for the thought”

I was exhausted. I thought it’s enough, so I laid down and fell asleep for an hours. When I woke up, there’s another text

“Guess we’re done talking”

“Let me sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow. I’m exhausted. Not many days in my life came back home from hospital and saw the one I love send love message wrong way. Good nite”

“I don’t think we’ll talk tomorrow. Goodnight”

And that’s it. Next day woke up, I feel light. I know Adam would never admit he got other girl, until that accident text. When fighting, I can see the immature somehow don’t see when he’s talking or being quiet. So I had given myself enough time to cool down the good feeling for the boy-ist child, ready for someone new come along. At least one time in my life, I learnt and understood the feeling of those jealous women. I had never got that feeling before… it’s a good experience, isn’t it?

I showed K all the texts. He told me" he'll text you again". "Why?"." because he wants sex and you are sexy". "But he has others?". "so...?"

I didn't believe K at first.

But got Adam's text after 6 days.

Such a liar...

Post-breakup part 1

I want to write a little about the men after the officially break up. Sometimes I got text, sometimes someone tried to call back, sometimes i called them back... "breaking up is never easy i know, but i have to go..." like ABBA song...




1. The Peaceful Harbor


After few weeks, John started texting me again. “can we be friend”. “John, where is your girlfriend?” “I’m sorry we have never had a real relationship. You were so nice and beautiful. We’d never yelled or said bad words to each other…” (It’s mean he were yelling to his girlfriend?). “Friends are ok. Remember I told you I have some silk table runners from Vietnam would like to try if people like it here? I would like to put it in your place, to see if any comment or any one like it?”. “sure, please do, I’d love to have those to sell here…”. “Great! Thanks in advance. I’ll bring it down to your business on Tuesday, my day off. I’ll call before leaving”

Tuesday, I called. No one answer.

He disappeared again.

Few more weeks, he texted again” hey Lina, how are you? I miss you. Can I come over to your place for pedicure?”. “are you fighting with your girlfriend again?” “I’m sorry Lina. We got a fight. I want to see you”. “John, it’s not right. You hurt me before. Now you want to hurt both of me and her by seeing me?”. “You are right Lina. It’s not right. I’m sorry Lina. Ah, the runner things, why don’t you bring them down here?” (come on, I called many times. You were disappeared. I guess you were happy so didn’t bother more). “sure, will do it next Tuesday, my only day off”. “ok, see you then”

And disappeared again (of course)

A month later: “Lina, can I come over to take you out for dinner?”. “fighting again?”. “I’m sorry Lina. You are a nice girl”. “but it’s not nice when you keep on calling me whenever you fight with her”. “I came back home from work. She was sleeping and drunk. She is a nice girl, but she drink too much.” I didn’t want to reply him again, so after this would be all his text, one by one, kept coming until 2am “I’m not happy. I wanted to take you out for dinner. I’m in casino in Connecticut now. I drove 45 minutes here. I just wanted to be happy today. I don’t want to fight. She moved in, so I don’t want to start problems. I think she was nice girl. But she drinks too much. I miss you Lina… im unhappy tonight. I lost my money. Will drive back soon. Have to open the restaurant tomorrow morning. Can I pick you up on my way home, we’ll go to a diner for some food? … Lina, I lost my money, very bad luck today. I’m heading home. 45 minutes driving. But I have to open tomorrow…. That table runner thing, just bring them down here, I’ll put it in the shop…”

I was sleeping since 11pm.

2. The Boring guy

Few months after he broke up, in a lonely night, I check his facebook out. Of course we had never been facebook friend, he never wanted to open that much, but I can see the cover
And his friend lists...
Have been expanding...
And what did I see after few months? He got lots more friend…. Someones’s asian profile pictures are bad quality kind of naked… some girls trying to show the body under cheap undergarments in front of self-made studio backgrounds, with unprofessional shots.
Is that really his taste? Because I was never been allowed to be in his friend list…
Mixing feeling…

3. The Trainer
Right the next early morning, I got a text “hey, I’m sorry. Do you want breakfast?”. (what???)
The text kept on coming for few weeks “you should give me another chance. I haven’t know anything about you yet….”
Somehow I agreed to meet again.
Cracked some jokes. Then we parted. I didn’t think we need another chance.
Few more weeks, match.com notice he put me in the list of “interested in you”.
“are you crazy!” “yeah, you kept on appeared on my match list.”
I agree to make it another try
We met on Thursday. Cracked some jokes, have fun, sweet kiss… “I’d like to meet your son. Three of us can go somewhere together…”
I always feel soften when it went to my special son.
And he disappeared weekend. “I’m been sick”
No, this is not foreign to me. Just like “the 28”, “the short”… the whatever… same song of being sick…
Then appeared again, from the thin air… cracked more jokes, kisses…
And disappeared again.
Few days after, I text him” still want to see my son?”
This is the reply:”I just found out yesterday the girl I was dating is 5 month pregnant with my kid. I want to try to be with her. I’m sorry…”
Great! New song I guess…

Please calm down my little heart

Couldn’t sleep last night wondering the person I have become, is that far from my original? Have I lost myself somewhere in the crazy dating market? Or the bad experiences have me ruined.

Such a big mess I became. Found myself scare tiff every time phone ring, so I left it home. Do we really need cell phone every moment? Give myself a break, little peace without checking, waiting and afraid of phone rings. Release myself from the invisible ties somehow we’d gained together with high technology.

Try to calm down.

Is that when I feel depressed the most, something would happen to save my soul. A pen-mate in Euro early morning saw me online at late New York night, sensed the extraordinary, got on to comfort. Advices from seniors always are big help, especially when they are from a big writer name, with somehow similar expatriate loneliness. He sent me a story he wrote, “love life”, which I read and read and cried. How much pain, how much sadness, how much love he put in the lines. Just 2 dogs, made up the whole story, moved me. If the dogs could live for each other, why not us human!

Someone hurt me and I hurt others… why we can’t make each other happy, why we can’t live because of each other… just like this dog Luca in Nguyen Van Tho’s “love life”. I thought of a junior man, promised to die at the same day, so we would not have to miss each other in heaven. How ironic is a lie… I thought of a sweet man, looking at my dating, keeping his sadness inside. He loves me, but can’t give me what I need of a little happy family, so courage me to get out, to look for my happiness. How unselfish a man can be… why I couldn’t accept with my destiny, to be with him, to share the rest of our lives. I thought about diabetes, the illness had blocked my sweet man from having happiness.

Sometimes I think about the circuits of life. We got in, run around, hurt around… I think about the selfish in each man, playing around, breaking young girl hearts. Once again, I think about the waste of 95 percent good looking men. Somehow the luck of being handsome, easy to get what they want, stop them from getting better, going further in lives. But the rest 5%, overcome that circuit, would become senator one day. When they don’t have to spend too much energy chasing girls, but stable with a sweet heart, save all the mind and heart for the career booming.

And for me too… how can I get out of this circuit, to calm down, settle down with a manly man… and be happy again.

Why I have to be out there hurting others…

And getting hurt back…

Pls. calm down my little heart. You can do better than that.

diary, sunday and monday... after westchester night.

Morning Sunday. I spent time with my little boy a little. My poor little son! Mommy is always busy, working and dating… I felt so guilty. How much time can I spend with my son? My head is heavy. Came back home late last night. Why I can’t cry… I left my son to chase some young guy.
Fed the boy, I passed by K before work. I wanted to tell him why I couldn’t come last night. Whenever I come to his place, I feel happier. We haven’t really had sex for almost a year now, since his diabetes became complicated. Now he really can’t have more kid physically. In a good day, he’d go down on me to release my need. But K has become so sick, so tender… Work became worse and worse, he works same hours a week like me, but much more stress and responsibilities. Sometimes I told him, “whenever I feel bad, I’d think of you and your life, and feel better”. “At least I can do something for you that way sweetie!” I can’t give you what you want, I’m sorry”.
Without sexual relationship, we are more like best friends.
Sometimes I wish we’d met 10 years earlier. We were not our type at first, but now, what can I do without him?
We went to pick breakfast sandwiches. K’s only weekly treat is picking up sandwich and newspapers to start a Sunday, his only day off.
Felt not ready to tell him the story last night.
went to work. Left the phone in car. It’s not healthy to look at the phone every moment. I know Adam would text. Not much though. He’s busy with someone all the time… and when he can text, if we have anything to talk to? Did I told him to back off many times if any other choice? “no, I don’t have any girlfriend, I don’t back off”. “If you want to hurt me, back off”. “no, I don’t back off”…
K seems to see my heart broken. I’m sorry K. I should not hurt you this way. “I can’t give you what you want, I’m sorry”. “ok, I’ll try to be honest… I try my best. But sometimes, when it’s heavy,

I’d not be able to tell you right away. Need time to calm down, then I will tell you…”
Work was not too bad day for a Sunday. It’s good when it’s busy, I had thing to do and didn’t think too much. I forced myself to reply another man this morning and would meet him tonight. How many “first dates” have I collected in that one year?
It’s a quick date. I didn’t feel click. Have to find a way to have more time with my son. Should I take Sunday off since September? If the husband starts teaching few classes, then I should do it…
My son, I’d do everything for him…



Monday:
Woke up with a heavy head. The boy had to go to school. Process again, pulled him up, fed, dressed up, and sent him to the bus. “I want up, mommy, up, mommy”. My son is 7, look like 5 and act like 3. Now I can pick you up son, but next year I afraid I would not be able to. You are 7… getting bigger and bigger… heavier and heavier.
Have to do something to release my pains. Too heavy. Monday is always be a slow day. What can I expect?
Silvia came late. So I do the hot towels. Seven never wants to do anything. She’s the boss’s aunt. Come on, the shop belong to her family, why she has to clean?
I’ve never so good at doing nails. But I’m much better now. I work slow, but try to be careful and gentle… I always afraid of hurting others… It’s my problems. I didn’t try to steal B from his family, because I didn’t want any woman to get hurt. I didn’t try to get Adam, because I afraid of facing other women disappointments. Almost all the girls from Hanoi have this weakness. When thing gone bad, we would just turn around, walk away, and keep all the pain, the hurt inside, smile at life. Hanoian girl pride themselves never beg for love. If we found love, form a family, we can do everything for the man, the family. But if not, we don’t beg for the man to stay. Love is not to beg for. Nobody could try to love anybody. If Adam could tell me all the sweet lines and still be with someone else…
Remember when I was in Dear park. There’s a girl love running behind me to see if I did anything wrong, so she could tell the boss. Why people have to treat each other like shit in nail salons? In Vietnamese places, we don’t have salary, but make commission and tip. So if you get one more customer, you make some more money. So sometimes they steal customers, they try to down play other…
Still can’t believe why Adam do that. Why the guy kept on pushing after I said back off many times.
Tried to call some people if anyone can talk to. “Ocean eleven”? no, she loves to talk about her “problems”. I don’t want to listen to any other problem today. Called K… he’s with customer, working working… Poor guy.
I called B. Press *67 before the number to hide the appearance, I called B. “I got hurt again. I know I shouldn’t call. But I’m so hurt, I’m so bad”
Finally I could cry, on phone, with B.
Cried and sobbed.
Got lighter after 30 minutes.
Thanks B. This’s the last time I called you. Enjoy your life. I have to find a way to move on. From both you and the new pain Adam.

the 28

K told me men became very material calculating at age 40. They want to relax, enjoy life, will not want to start changing diapers. And since I have a special child, and would like more kid, maybe I should look for someone younger.


So I met Adam.


Adam is 28.


In the first email replied my cl post, He said he was 30. I was almost deleted his email, because it’s too young age. But the smile pictures catch my eyes. A bright smile!
He worked on an oil tugboat. 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off. Somehow I think he acted quite mature for the young age.

As usual, we met at my favorite Starbucks. The smile was even brighter in person, a real advantage smile, can make everyone around a happy moment. And his real age is even younger than he said. He lied about the age, such a strange point.

Somehow we feel clicked. We start seeing each other for a couple weeks before he went back to boat. We met almost every day after my work. He waited for me for hour sometimes… that’s moved me, like B in the old time. He sounded like caring. I told him about my special need son, about my plan of having another family, about my age… everything that would be disappointment, and tell him think about it, and back off if you think you scare…

He said he didn’t think of my age or his age, he weren’t scare of my son’s problems, he didn’t want to back off…

“you are too young for me Adam”. Then the guy stopped shaving the few next days “Do I look older?”

“My co-worker, a Spanish girl told me if she didn’t know my age, she would think I was 28”. “you see, we are both 28”. “nope, you look 30 hehe”.”even better!”

Sometimes, he drove me around for hours… his school, his old life, my neighborhood…  talked about his family, my family. I love the feeling driving around… long time, I hadn’t got that feeling.

I told K “he is too young. What should I do now?”. “What’s wrong with it?”. ”I don’t know.  I feel insecure. What if we got married, after 20 years, I became 59 and he was just 48, then he may fall for someone 28”.”Sweetheart, if you think you can have 20 years of good married, take it. I’ll always love you, but I can’t give you what you want. You take it.”

“Look, Adam, I had got more than my fair share of hurt. So if you are not serious, please back off now”. “no, I’m not back off”

After being hurt by bunch of men, run off learning my “bad situation”, having him smiling, assuring me that he didn’t want to back off, he didn’t scare…

“look, I have nothing to offer. I don’t have money, career. Only myself!”. ”Perfect!”.

…so I was grateful. Long time, since B left me, I have strong feeling for someone…

Someone was smart, a reserve navy after graduating from the academic of merchant marine, very mature in control money, not like other man his age… and caring. He planned to go back to school, wanted to become a marine lawyer “law school takes 3 years, but I will just do it in 2 years, save money”.

And K supported me this time.

So I put off my guard, dreamt again, was happy again, started looking at a family picture again… with the bright smile that could brighten up my every day. He’d go to school for 2 years… I can do it. I have always been a great supporter.

And he said I was a great kisser

That’s was all I hope for.

So we keep in touch with text message when he was away.

And I found myself faithful like a puppy, didn’t want to see any other man, didn’t want to go out, just wait for the texts…

Sometimes, when the boat went too far from land for few days, I lost his signal…

But I found myself faithful like a puppy, waiting ...

3 weeks waiting, so long. I was patient, counted day by day, together with all the “kisses and hugs” he sent via texts.

Sometimes, I wonder about a guy, who never lived in the address print on his ID, bought a condo but never live there also, and share a room in a house with an old man, pay a very little rent every other 3 weeks when he is home. Lucky guy got a great landlord! But this landlord didn’t like visitor. So I can’t go there to see him when he’s home. “when he go away, I’ll take you in. he goes away very often”.

5 days before he came back home, I shockingly realized how deep my feeling run for this young man. It was too early for that kind of feeling since we actually had known each other for little more than a month. So I decided to keep it secret, until it’s ready.

3 days before he came back home, I got a bad news. One of my best friends had just passed in Vietnam.

I needed a big hug.

3 days before he came back home, he told me his mother was coming to visit him, will just stay few days. It means I have to wait few more days longer…

I needed a big hug.

“I’m really in bad time, really need a big hug. Who cares?” “I care”. “you are not here”. “I’ll make it up for you this Thursday. I miss you, a lot”.

U can imagine the feeling I got. The lost of a great friend was hard. We had been good friends for many years. Last time I met him, he was getting better and I thought he would be able to go back to NY.

I really needed a hug.

Then he said he took “mom” to Atlantic city.

It’s was funeral day in Vietnam.

I needed a big hug.

One more week had passed.

I said “you are not hurry to meet me, not like when someone misses someone usually does, especially when I am in needed of your bear hug”

Finally, we met again, at my usual Starbucks.

And we made up

He explained why he has different addresses. “After got that condo in Jersey city, I had only 500 bucks in the bank, so my plan was rent it out for an year. But after that year, I leave the ferry and I got another job on the boat, so I don’t really live home often. If I live there, will cost me 1500 a month. So I keep it renting and find a room. These people I knew when I was at school. I pay 100 a week when I’m home”…

I didn’t tell him the secret of my feeling. I know it’s still too early for these thing… he may shock. I was shock seeing myself faithful like a puppy.

“I have never heard of any son took mom to casino, you must be a very special one”

“very special”. “she like the boardwalk, the shop and the beach…”

So we were ok again. I was happy again. I was happy in the next day, went to work, sang a song…

The next morning, I got his text “morning”

Then he disappeared.

Until night “sorry was in bed most of the afternoon. Don’t feel well, miss you”

Disappeared again.

Until the next night, a Saturday night, I still didn’t hear anything from him.

He must be really sick.

The landlord may not be home. He went to Hampton the day before. He must be all alone. I had just lost a great friend…

The Asian girl in me told me I should go to see him. He must be sick. He must be not able to take care of himself.

Never been in Westchester before, so I went to Radio shark, got a GPS. Finished work at 9pm, drove by Queen to pick some special Vietnamese sandwiches and noodle that I thought he may like.

It was rain and dark. The high way in Westchester was narrow and slippery. I arrived at the address around 11pm.

The landlord opened one door, didn’t let me in.

“He’s not home. I won’t let you in, no woman in the house, it’s the rule. I don’t want to interfere in something like this”

I thought he was sick in bed

“Let’s me check his room again”

“No, he is not home”

I saw his car down there

“he’s supposed to meet me here at 11o’cloct. I don’t know where he is, he didn’t answer my call. If you want to wait for him, stay in your car. I won’t let you in. It’s the rule, no woman in the house.

So I left the food at the landlord.

So I drove back home.

“I’m gonna have a long life, until 99” “wow, you will outlive me long”. “You don’t want me to outlive you?”. “In heaven I may miss you”. “So we’ll die in the same day, when you are
110, deal?”

If anyone bothered eating the special sandwiches I pick? And the Vietnamese typical noodle Phở that my mom always bought me when I got sick at home or its all went to garbage?

“I don’t think of your age, I don’t think of my age, I just think about what you wrote on your post” “Adam, do you have a girlfriend”. “no, I don’t”. “if you have girlfriend, back off, I already got more than my fair share of hurt”. ”No, I said I don’t”.

“I don’t want to interfere in these things. It’s the rule, no woman in the house”…

It’s raining. My hair was all socked under the rain waiting for the old man went upstairs, tried to make phone calls… “He is not here, he is not sick in bed…”

“Think of me when I’m gone. Don’t post any other ad when I’m away”. “can you wait for me?”. “I’m waiting”. “are you waiting for me ”. “yes, I’m waiting”

I was so worry. I almost made a call to my detective police friend this afternoon, to ask if he can check thing out. Because I thought the guy was very sick, in bed alone for 2 days. May be they can send someone to check up there in Westchester county before I could finish work at 9pm.

“I miss the legs, such sexy legs, that picture you sent me is like from a magazine. You do have a bright smile too, do you know…”

No, I didn’t know. I was not smiling… I was wishing I could cry, to release my pain.

Who said pain don’t hurt.