diary, sunday and monday... after westchester night.

Morning Sunday. I spent time with my little boy a little. My poor little son! Mommy is always busy, working and dating… I felt so guilty. How much time can I spend with my son? My head is heavy. Came back home late last night. Why I can’t cry… I left my son to chase some young guy.
Fed the boy, I passed by K before work. I wanted to tell him why I couldn’t come last night. Whenever I come to his place, I feel happier. We haven’t really had sex for almost a year now, since his diabetes became complicated. Now he really can’t have more kid physically. In a good day, he’d go down on me to release my need. But K has become so sick, so tender… Work became worse and worse, he works same hours a week like me, but much more stress and responsibilities. Sometimes I told him, “whenever I feel bad, I’d think of you and your life, and feel better”. “At least I can do something for you that way sweetie!” I can’t give you what you want, I’m sorry”.
Without sexual relationship, we are more like best friends.
Sometimes I wish we’d met 10 years earlier. We were not our type at first, but now, what can I do without him?
We went to pick breakfast sandwiches. K’s only weekly treat is picking up sandwich and newspapers to start a Sunday, his only day off.
Felt not ready to tell him the story last night.
went to work. Left the phone in car. It’s not healthy to look at the phone every moment. I know Adam would text. Not much though. He’s busy with someone all the time… and when he can text, if we have anything to talk to? Did I told him to back off many times if any other choice? “no, I don’t have any girlfriend, I don’t back off”. “If you want to hurt me, back off”. “no, I don’t back off”…
K seems to see my heart broken. I’m sorry K. I should not hurt you this way. “I can’t give you what you want, I’m sorry”. “ok, I’ll try to be honest… I try my best. But sometimes, when it’s heavy,

I’d not be able to tell you right away. Need time to calm down, then I will tell you…”
Work was not too bad day for a Sunday. It’s good when it’s busy, I had thing to do and didn’t think too much. I forced myself to reply another man this morning and would meet him tonight. How many “first dates” have I collected in that one year?
It’s a quick date. I didn’t feel click. Have to find a way to have more time with my son. Should I take Sunday off since September? If the husband starts teaching few classes, then I should do it…
My son, I’d do everything for him…



Monday:
Woke up with a heavy head. The boy had to go to school. Process again, pulled him up, fed, dressed up, and sent him to the bus. “I want up, mommy, up, mommy”. My son is 7, look like 5 and act like 3. Now I can pick you up son, but next year I afraid I would not be able to. You are 7… getting bigger and bigger… heavier and heavier.
Have to do something to release my pains. Too heavy. Monday is always be a slow day. What can I expect?
Silvia came late. So I do the hot towels. Seven never wants to do anything. She’s the boss’s aunt. Come on, the shop belong to her family, why she has to clean?
I’ve never so good at doing nails. But I’m much better now. I work slow, but try to be careful and gentle… I always afraid of hurting others… It’s my problems. I didn’t try to steal B from his family, because I didn’t want any woman to get hurt. I didn’t try to get Adam, because I afraid of facing other women disappointments. Almost all the girls from Hanoi have this weakness. When thing gone bad, we would just turn around, walk away, and keep all the pain, the hurt inside, smile at life. Hanoian girl pride themselves never beg for love. If we found love, form a family, we can do everything for the man, the family. But if not, we don’t beg for the man to stay. Love is not to beg for. Nobody could try to love anybody. If Adam could tell me all the sweet lines and still be with someone else…
Remember when I was in Dear park. There’s a girl love running behind me to see if I did anything wrong, so she could tell the boss. Why people have to treat each other like shit in nail salons? In Vietnamese places, we don’t have salary, but make commission and tip. So if you get one more customer, you make some more money. So sometimes they steal customers, they try to down play other…
Still can’t believe why Adam do that. Why the guy kept on pushing after I said back off many times.
Tried to call some people if anyone can talk to. “Ocean eleven”? no, she loves to talk about her “problems”. I don’t want to listen to any other problem today. Called K… he’s with customer, working working… Poor guy.
I called B. Press *67 before the number to hide the appearance, I called B. “I got hurt again. I know I shouldn’t call. But I’m so hurt, I’m so bad”
Finally I could cry, on phone, with B.
Cried and sobbed.
Got lighter after 30 minutes.
Thanks B. This’s the last time I called you. Enjoy your life. I have to find a way to move on. From both you and the new pain Adam.