Morning Sunday. I spent time with my little boy a little. My poor little son! Mommy is always busy, working and dating… I felt so guilty. How much time can I spend with my son? My head is heavy. Came back home late last night. Why I can’t cry… I left my son to chase some young guy.
Fed the boy, I passed by K before work. I wanted to tell him why I couldn’t come last night. Whenever I come to his place, I feel happier. We haven’t really had sex for almost a year now, since his diabetes became complicated. Now he really can’t have more kid physically. In a good day, he’d go down on me to release my need. But K has become so sick, so tender… Work became worse and worse, he works same hours a week like me, but much more stress and responsibilities. Sometimes I told him, “whenever I feel bad, I’d think of you and your life, and feel better”. “At least I can do something for you that way sweetie!” I can’t give you what you want, I’m sorry”.
Without sexual relationship, we are more like best friends.
Sometimes I wish we’d met 10 years earlier. We were not our type at first, but now, what can I do without him?
We went to pick breakfast sandwiches. K’s only weekly treat is picking up sandwich and newspapers to start a Sunday, his only day off.
Felt not ready to tell him the story last night.
went to work. Left the phone in car. It’s not healthy to look at the phone every moment. I know Adam would text. Not much though. He’s busy with someone all the time… and when he can text, if we have anything to talk to? Did I told him to back off many times if any other choice? “no, I don’t have any girlfriend, I don’t back off”. “If you want to hurt me, back off”. “no, I don’t back off”…
K seems to see my heart broken. I’m sorry K. I should not hurt you this way. “I can’t give you what you want, I’m sorry”. “ok, I’ll try to be honest… I try my best. But sometimes, when it’s heavy,
I’d not be able to tell you right away. Need time to calm down, then I will tell you…”
Work was not too bad day for a Sunday. It’s good when it’s busy, I had thing to do and didn’t think too much. I forced myself to reply another man this morning and would meet him tonight. How many “first dates” have I collected in that one year?
It’s a quick date. I didn’t feel click. Have to find a way to have more time with my son. Should I take Sunday off since September? If the husband starts teaching few classes, then I should do it…
My son, I’d do everything for him…
Monday:
Woke up with a heavy head. The boy had to go to school. Process again, pulled him up, fed, dressed up, and sent him to the bus. “I want up, mommy, up, mommy”. My son is 7, look like 5 and act like 3. Now I can pick you up son, but next year I afraid I would not be able to. You are 7… getting bigger and bigger… heavier and heavier.
Have to do something to release my pains. Too heavy. Monday is always be a slow day. What can I expect?
Silvia came late. So I do the hot towels. Seven never wants to do anything. She’s the boss’s aunt. Come on, the shop belong to her family, why she has to clean?
I’ve never so good at doing nails. But I’m much better now. I work slow, but try to be careful and gentle… I always afraid of hurting others… It’s my problems. I didn’t try to steal B from his family, because I didn’t want any woman to get hurt. I didn’t try to get Adam, because I afraid of facing other women disappointments. Almost all the girls from Hanoi have this weakness. When thing gone bad, we would just turn around, walk away, and keep all the pain, the hurt inside, smile at life. Hanoian girl pride themselves never beg for love. If we found love, form a family, we can do everything for the man, the family. But if not, we don’t beg for the man to stay. Love is not to beg for. Nobody could try to love anybody. If Adam could tell me all the sweet lines and still be with someone else…
Remember when I was in Dear park. There’s a girl love running behind me to see if I did anything wrong, so she could tell the boss. Why people have to treat each other like shit in nail salons? In Vietnamese places, we don’t have salary, but make commission and tip. So if you get one more customer, you make some more money. So sometimes they steal customers, they try to down play other…
Still can’t believe why Adam do that. Why the guy kept on pushing after I said back off many times.
Tried to call some people if anyone can talk to. “Ocean eleven”? no, she loves to talk about her “problems”. I don’t want to listen to any other problem today. Called K… he’s with customer, working working… Poor guy.
I called B. Press *67 before the number to hide the appearance, I called B. “I got hurt again. I know I shouldn’t call. But I’m so hurt, I’m so bad”
Finally I could cry, on phone, with B.
Cried and sobbed.
Got lighter after 30 minutes.
Thanks B. This’s the last time I called you. Enjoy your life. I have to find a way to move on. From both you and the new pain Adam.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
the 28
K told me men became very material calculating at age 40. They want to relax, enjoy life, will not want to start changing diapers. And since I have a special child, and would like more kid, maybe I should look for someone younger.
So I met Adam.
Adam is 28.
In the first email replied my cl post, He said he was 30. I was almost deleted his email, because it’s too young age. But the smile pictures catch my eyes. A bright smile!
He worked on an oil tugboat. 3 weeks on, 3 weeks off. Somehow I think he acted quite mature for the young age.
As usual, we met at my favorite Starbucks. The smile was even brighter in person, a real advantage smile, can make everyone around a happy moment. And his real age is even younger than he said. He lied about the age, such a strange point.
Somehow we feel clicked. We start seeing each other for a couple weeks before he went back to boat. We met almost every day after my work. He waited for me for hour sometimes… that’s moved me, like B in the old time. He sounded like caring. I told him about my special need son, about my plan of having another family, about my age… everything that would be disappointment, and tell him think about it, and back off if you think you scare…
He said he didn’t think of my age or his age, he weren’t scare of my son’s problems, he didn’t want to back off…
“you are too young for me Adam”. Then the guy stopped shaving the few next days “Do I look older?”
“My co-worker, a Spanish girl told me if she didn’t know my age, she would think I was 28”. “you see, we are both 28”. “nope, you look 30 hehe”.”even better!”
Sometimes, he drove me around for hours… his school, his old life, my neighborhood… talked about his family, my family. I love the feeling driving around… long time, I hadn’t got that feeling.
I told K “he is too young. What should I do now?”. “What’s wrong with it?”. ”I don’t know. I feel insecure. What if we got married, after 20 years, I became 59 and he was just 48, then he may fall for someone 28”.”Sweetheart, if you think you can have 20 years of good married, take it. I’ll always love you, but I can’t give you what you want. You take it.”
“Look, Adam, I had got more than my fair share of hurt. So if you are not serious, please back off now”. “no, I’m not back off”
After being hurt by bunch of men, run off learning my “bad situation”, having him smiling, assuring me that he didn’t want to back off, he didn’t scare…
“look, I have nothing to offer. I don’t have money, career. Only myself!”. ”Perfect!”.
…so I was grateful. Long time, since B left me, I have strong feeling for someone…
Someone was smart, a reserve navy after graduating from the academic of merchant marine, very mature in control money, not like other man his age… and caring. He planned to go back to school, wanted to become a marine lawyer “law school takes 3 years, but I will just do it in 2 years, save money”.
And K supported me this time.
So I put off my guard, dreamt again, was happy again, started looking at a family picture again… with the bright smile that could brighten up my every day. He’d go to school for 2 years… I can do it. I have always been a great supporter.
And he said I was a great kisser
That’s was all I hope for.
So we keep in touch with text message when he was away.
And I found myself faithful like a puppy, didn’t want to see any other man, didn’t want to go out, just wait for the texts…
Sometimes, when the boat went too far from land for few days, I lost his signal…
But I found myself faithful like a puppy, waiting ...
3 weeks waiting, so long. I was patient, counted day by day, together with all the “kisses and hugs” he sent via texts.
Sometimes, I wonder about a guy, who never lived in the address print on his ID, bought a condo but never live there also, and share a room in a house with an old man, pay a very little rent every other 3 weeks when he is home. Lucky guy got a great landlord! But this landlord didn’t like visitor. So I can’t go there to see him when he’s home. “when he go away, I’ll take you in. he goes away very often”.
5 days before he came back home, I shockingly realized how deep my feeling run for this young man. It was too early for that kind of feeling since we actually had known each other for little more than a month. So I decided to keep it secret, until it’s ready.
3 days before he came back home, I got a bad news. One of my best friends had just passed in Vietnam.
I needed a big hug.
3 days before he came back home, he told me his mother was coming to visit him, will just stay few days. It means I have to wait few more days longer…
I needed a big hug.
“I’m really in bad time, really need a big hug. Who cares?” “I care”. “you are not here”. “I’ll make it up for you this Thursday. I miss you, a lot”.
U can imagine the feeling I got. The lost of a great friend was hard. We had been good friends for many years. Last time I met him, he was getting better and I thought he would be able to go back to NY.
I really needed a hug.
Then he said he took “mom” to Atlantic city.
It’s was funeral day in Vietnam.
I needed a big hug.
One more week had passed.
I said “you are not hurry to meet me, not like when someone misses someone usually does, especially when I am in needed of your bear hug”
Finally, we met again, at my usual Starbucks.
And we made up
He explained why he has different addresses. “After got that condo in Jersey city, I had only 500 bucks in the bank, so my plan was rent it out for an year. But after that year, I leave the ferry and I got another job on the boat, so I don’t really live home often. If I live there, will cost me 1500 a month. So I keep it renting and find a room. These people I knew when I was at school. I pay 100 a week when I’m home”…
I didn’t tell him the secret of my feeling. I know it’s still too early for these thing… he may shock. I was shock seeing myself faithful like a puppy.
“I have never heard of any son took mom to casino, you must be a very special one”
“very special”. “she like the boardwalk, the shop and the beach…”
So we were ok again. I was happy again. I was happy in the next day, went to work, sang a song…
The next morning, I got his text “morning”
Then he disappeared.
Until night “sorry was in bed most of the afternoon. Don’t feel well, miss you”
Disappeared again.
Until the next night, a Saturday night, I still didn’t hear anything from him.
He must be really sick.
The landlord may not be home. He went to Hampton the day before. He must be all alone. I had just lost a great friend…
The Asian girl in me told me I should go to see him. He must be sick. He must be not able to take care of himself.
Never been in Westchester before, so I went to Radio shark, got a GPS. Finished work at 9pm, drove by Queen to pick some special Vietnamese sandwiches and noodle that I thought he may like.
It was rain and dark. The high way in Westchester was narrow and slippery. I arrived at the address around 11pm.
The landlord opened one door, didn’t let me in.
“He’s not home. I won’t let you in, no woman in the house, it’s the rule. I don’t want to interfere in something like this”
I thought he was sick in bed
“Let’s me check his room again”
“No, he is not home”
I saw his car down there
“he’s supposed to meet me here at 11o’cloct. I don’t know where he is, he didn’t answer my call. If you want to wait for him, stay in your car. I won’t let you in. It’s the rule, no woman in the house.
So I left the food at the landlord.
So I drove back home.
“I’m gonna have a long life, until 99” “wow, you will outlive me long”. “You don’t want me to outlive you?”. “In heaven I may miss you”. “So we’ll die in the same day, when you are
110, deal?”
If anyone bothered eating the special sandwiches I pick? And the Vietnamese typical noodle Phở that my mom always bought me when I got sick at home or its all went to garbage?
“I don’t think of your age, I don’t think of my age, I just think about what you wrote on your post” “Adam, do you have a girlfriend”. “no, I don’t”. “if you have girlfriend, back off, I already got more than my fair share of hurt”. ”No, I said I don’t”.
“I don’t want to interfere in these things. It’s the rule, no woman in the house”…
It’s raining. My hair was all socked under the rain waiting for the old man went upstairs, tried to make phone calls… “He is not here, he is not sick in bed…”
“Think of me when I’m gone. Don’t post any other ad when I’m away”. “can you wait for me?”. “I’m waiting”. “are you waiting for me ”. “yes, I’m waiting”
I was so worry. I almost made a call to my detective police friend this afternoon, to ask if he can check thing out. Because I thought the guy was very sick, in bed alone for 2 days. May be they can send someone to check up there in Westchester county before I could finish work at 9pm.
“I miss the legs, such sexy legs, that picture you sent me is like from a magazine. You do have a bright smile too, do you know…”
No, I didn’t know. I was not smiling… I was wishing I could cry, to release my pain.
Who said pain don’t hurt.
the peaceful habor
John is old and bald. The rest of his hair is long.
Same age with K, But John is much stronger as he has working in construction for decades. There would be a lot of women like this kind of muscle man.
Totally not my type.
He said he was 45 year old. Men always lie about their age and hair.
“When I was teenager, my dad owned all these properties, from here to the other corner”. (oh my god, this guy destroyed all his father’s life career”).
“When I was 20 year old, I used to have 200 people work for me”. “Where are they now?”. “I filed for bankruptcy after 2 years” (oh my god, please don’t talk about it in that show off voice. I think I feel bad for his mother, who had to see the boy lost everything she and her husband got after all those years)
“I will have more children with you if you want kids. My granddaughter is autistic also. I know and understand about autism”
Ah, it’s a good point.
“I’m selling my boat to save my business. I own a restaurant down there. Last winter was so bad. I haven’t pay rent for 6 months and the landlord took me to court”
“My mom already helped me to pay utility bills. I haven’t paid anything for 6 months. I hope I can sell the boat as soon as I can” (oh my god, what kind of doing business is that)
So how come it became that bad?
“She didn’t know how to control the money. Her lifestyle is very expensive. She took the business money to take her kid around…”. “But in 6 months!” “the winter is very slow. I made mistake. I got the place in April, and we had a great summer. We didn’t have experience, didn’t save for the winter’s rent…”
John is totally opposite from B. He showed off, even something to me sound like shame. In him, you could see clearly the conceit of the guy who had never gone too far from his hometown.
“I used to have an Asian longtime girlfriend for 13 years…”. “How did you know her?”. “She was a topless dancer. I went to see her and felt for her”. “Why did you guys broke up?”. ”I met this Italian lady in a casino in Connecticut. She was living in Vermont. I went there to visit her and felt in love with her”. ”So back home, you told the Asian to move out?”
“So last year, I financed my house to buy that business. It’s cost me 300k so we can work together. I put her name on the title, even though all the money was mine. I put her name on it, because when my father company went bankruptcy, I still owe taxes”. “How do you live all those 30 years”. “I do construction, smaller and private, not like my father union company. So any paycheck, I went to a bank and cash them all. No bank account, no credit card for all those years”. “So now when you are broke up, she is still the legal owner and you are going to court”. “Yes, she doesn’t want to file for bankruptcy, so after we pay all the back rent, she will have to change the name to me or my son. I hope after 30 years, I may be able to do it”.
There were 2 weeks of stress. I tried to help to sell the boat. But I guess I didn’t know anything about boat or dock. Business was slow, and he paid cash daily for all helpers. I found it’s kind of funny the way he ran business.
“The restaurant” original was a gourmet, located in a very nice quiet old town, next from a small quiet harbor. The little town is like a small tourist spot, busy in summer day, dead by 5 pm and sleep all the winter. The guy built a kitchen and put in some tables in one side, and kept the other side selling old gourmet stuff. He served only late breakfast and lunch. They closed at 6pm daily.
I didn’t like the guy. But somehow he showed a lot of interested in me. We had lunch at his “restaurant” sometimes and went out for dinners somewhere else. It’s funny when the guy didn’t like his own restaurant foods.
It was early May, when colorful spring flowers colored every street. The gray of winter was still lingered, fighting with the spring soft sunbeams. Such a nice place to live! A very peaceful harbor, peaceful town, I know I would love this town. I wondered any woman moved in with him because she felt for the town? I could picture living in this place so easily
“When she moved in, she didn’t like my furniture, so we open a garage sales to get rid of my stuff. She moved her furniture in. So when she moved out, she took her furniture, now my house is empty. I will not buy anything until someone move in with me, we will pick furniture together…”
“Lina, be my girlfriend, will you? You are so beautiful. Can’t believe these legs are belong to my girl”
“your son will love this place. I live in front of water all my life. There’s a turkey pass by my business every day, he is from the harbor park.”
“Come on. I think you have a lot to worry about at this moment. So please about how to sell the boat as soon as possible and get back to business. We think about other later”.
"Then will you be my girlfriend?"
“What’s wrong with your head light? Doesn’t working? It’s not good Lina, I’ll change it for you.”
“It’s ok. I’ll go to mechanic tomorrow.”
“No, what do you think about me Lina. I can do it for you. Let’s me do it for you”.
So I let him change the head light bulb.
30 minutes passed
He got up, went to the restaurant kitchen a minute and got out with his son
20 minutes passed.
And the light went on.
And off before I reached home.
The next day, my mechanic told me “whoever changed your light bulb had broken the connections. Now we have to change the whole thing, about 180 bucks.”
Was I lucky to be cared for?
Finally the boat sold.
He got a check, cashed it all and the next day, shocked everybody at landlord lawyer office with the bag of 18 000 cash on desk.
He got the business back, put another woman's name on the title.
I was not the woman.
Same age with K, But John is much stronger as he has working in construction for decades. There would be a lot of women like this kind of muscle man.
Totally not my type.
He said he was 45 year old. Men always lie about their age and hair.
“When I was teenager, my dad owned all these properties, from here to the other corner”. (oh my god, this guy destroyed all his father’s life career”).
“When I was 20 year old, I used to have 200 people work for me”. “Where are they now?”. “I filed for bankruptcy after 2 years” (oh my god, please don’t talk about it in that show off voice. I think I feel bad for his mother, who had to see the boy lost everything she and her husband got after all those years)
“I will have more children with you if you want kids. My granddaughter is autistic also. I know and understand about autism”
Ah, it’s a good point.
“I’m selling my boat to save my business. I own a restaurant down there. Last winter was so bad. I haven’t pay rent for 6 months and the landlord took me to court”
“My mom already helped me to pay utility bills. I haven’t paid anything for 6 months. I hope I can sell the boat as soon as I can” (oh my god, what kind of doing business is that)
So how come it became that bad?
“She didn’t know how to control the money. Her lifestyle is very expensive. She took the business money to take her kid around…”. “But in 6 months!” “the winter is very slow. I made mistake. I got the place in April, and we had a great summer. We didn’t have experience, didn’t save for the winter’s rent…”
John is totally opposite from B. He showed off, even something to me sound like shame. In him, you could see clearly the conceit of the guy who had never gone too far from his hometown.
“I used to have an Asian longtime girlfriend for 13 years…”. “How did you know her?”. “She was a topless dancer. I went to see her and felt for her”. “Why did you guys broke up?”. ”I met this Italian lady in a casino in Connecticut. She was living in Vermont. I went there to visit her and felt in love with her”. ”So back home, you told the Asian to move out?”
“So last year, I financed my house to buy that business. It’s cost me 300k so we can work together. I put her name on the title, even though all the money was mine. I put her name on it, because when my father company went bankruptcy, I still owe taxes”. “How do you live all those 30 years”. “I do construction, smaller and private, not like my father union company. So any paycheck, I went to a bank and cash them all. No bank account, no credit card for all those years”. “So now when you are broke up, she is still the legal owner and you are going to court”. “Yes, she doesn’t want to file for bankruptcy, so after we pay all the back rent, she will have to change the name to me or my son. I hope after 30 years, I may be able to do it”.
There were 2 weeks of stress. I tried to help to sell the boat. But I guess I didn’t know anything about boat or dock. Business was slow, and he paid cash daily for all helpers. I found it’s kind of funny the way he ran business.
“The restaurant” original was a gourmet, located in a very nice quiet old town, next from a small quiet harbor. The little town is like a small tourist spot, busy in summer day, dead by 5 pm and sleep all the winter. The guy built a kitchen and put in some tables in one side, and kept the other side selling old gourmet stuff. He served only late breakfast and lunch. They closed at 6pm daily.
I didn’t like the guy. But somehow he showed a lot of interested in me. We had lunch at his “restaurant” sometimes and went out for dinners somewhere else. It’s funny when the guy didn’t like his own restaurant foods.
It was early May, when colorful spring flowers colored every street. The gray of winter was still lingered, fighting with the spring soft sunbeams. Such a nice place to live! A very peaceful harbor, peaceful town, I know I would love this town. I wondered any woman moved in with him because she felt for the town? I could picture living in this place so easily
“When she moved in, she didn’t like my furniture, so we open a garage sales to get rid of my stuff. She moved her furniture in. So when she moved out, she took her furniture, now my house is empty. I will not buy anything until someone move in with me, we will pick furniture together…”
“Lina, be my girlfriend, will you? You are so beautiful. Can’t believe these legs are belong to my girl”
“your son will love this place. I live in front of water all my life. There’s a turkey pass by my business every day, he is from the harbor park.”
“Come on. I think you have a lot to worry about at this moment. So please about how to sell the boat as soon as possible and get back to business. We think about other later”.
"Then will you be my girlfriend?"
“What’s wrong with your head light? Doesn’t working? It’s not good Lina, I’ll change it for you.”
“It’s ok. I’ll go to mechanic tomorrow.”
“No, what do you think about me Lina. I can do it for you. Let’s me do it for you”.
So I let him change the head light bulb.
30 minutes passed
He got up, went to the restaurant kitchen a minute and got out with his son
20 minutes passed.
And the light went on.
And off before I reached home.
The next day, my mechanic told me “whoever changed your light bulb had broken the connections. Now we have to change the whole thing, about 180 bucks.”
Was I lucky to be cared for?
Finally the boat sold.
He got a check, cashed it all and the next day, shocked everybody at landlord lawyer office with the bag of 18 000 cash on desk.
He got the business back, put another woman's name on the title.
I was not the woman.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
the first shop- the first impression of "Vietkieu"
The first shop I worked was a very small salon located in a small town main street of the south shore Long Island, near from the township, on the way from home to the hospital where my son was born. I got phone number when sitting in the car my husband drove by, called in, asked if any job. The shop woman owner became the very first Vietnamese I had ever met in person, in America.
Her name was Mai Ly (pronounce as My Lee). She was in her early 50s, short, gray long messy hair, in supper mini skirt and thigh high boots. Messy hair, because she said whenever going out, a wig would be used, so skipped the hair done.
She was rather sweet to me, a fresh beginner. I really didn’t know anything about working in a nail salon, neither been inside any nail salon before. I came to work, sat down… and wish she let me know what to do. She told me “stay here work for me, I’d teach you everything, how to do nails in the real work, thing is different from your school. I’m also come from the north like you, even though my family moved to the south in 1954, but we still speak northern accent, cook northern foods… I will treat you like my own daughter…”
You can imagine how hard my lonely heart was moved. God, she was the very first fellow Vietnamese I had ever met since moving to America! I could speak Vietnamese to her, think Vietnamese way… my husband speak only English. I so missed my mother tongue. Few months before, after an year long without speaking Vietnamese, I got the Vietnam Embassy number from a website, and called…
Just to hear stranger’s voices speaking the language.
My heart was so homesick.
“I helped a lot of girls to learn the job, how to do nails, how to wax eye browns. They learnt well, then left me, no one stayed to work for me. No one be loyal to me. They all betrayed me, left me… But they were all southerners. I have never met any northern. I’ll teach you well, and you will stay to work for me, ok? Don’t betray me like them…”
I promised to myself loyalty.
It took me 2 hours to do the first pedicure. Just applying color, took me 20 minutes. Didn’t have much practicing at the beauty school, I didn’t even know how to apply color correctly.
But she gave me 5 dollar tip.
I was so happy to look at the 5 dollar bill, like I hadn’t seen it in my whole life. I thought I was lucky, I would be able to make a little money from now on…
I looked at her like looked at my own mother.
After a week, things sudden changed.
The little in town shop had 2 entrances. The front door opened to the main street, the back door open to the parking lot where my husband often waited for me in the car. One evening, after saying good bye to her and called it a day, I went to the back door. I was opening the door, but changed my mind to go to the rest room before leaving. So I close the back door, got in the rest room.
“She’s gone! What’s stupid vile girl! She comes from the poverty land, how come that American guy liked her, took her here? She doesn’t know anything, too stupid. Her family was poor, had nothing on the dinner table… do you look at her? Such a poor girl…”
No, I came from an upper middle class family in Hanoi. My father, a PhD, is one of the top nation expert in the field.
“She doesn’t have any car, her husband drive an old truck. Where does she live? Must be a basement ugly apartment somewhere. I’m too kind to take her in, and she doesn’t know it”
“If my niece is here, I would not need that stupid vile girl… I pray for my niece would get her visa as fast as possible”
blah blah blah.
The next day, I came to work, of course with different way of looking at things
“you don’t know what to do anything at all. What did the school teach you?”
Beauty schools are like any other business, they open to make money. They teach you theory, get you ready for state board, that’s it. Want to really make money, have to be trained in the job.
“ I have Gio` in there, do you want to try. It tastes very good. Must be very rich people in Vietnam to have this big Gio`, but here, it’s nothing!”
What she was talking about? This is “fast food”. In lazy days, didn’t want to cook, I would just buy these home. My dad would feel unhappy when he saw this, because he knew I was lazy. Or maybe she was talking about the old time, during the early 80s, when the Vietnam economy was under crisis? But even then, I didn’t think that Gio` was that expensive…
“I was very beautiful when I was young. I married a colonel when I was 16… When I came to long Island, the whole Long Island looked forward me walking..”
16 year old? Are you kidding me? If it happened here, that colonel must go to jail.
Yes, I really think her way of walking was something special, the 14 year old model in training walk, fighting with those thigh high boots. Did she really think showing off her too short pale thighs would be a beautiful thing to do?
“I teach you, like doing charity works. You have to remember my good heart of helping you out, to be loyalty to me.
Now things were really wrong.
The very first Vietnamese I ever met in the new land, turned out to be a wicked witch. She can be so sweet in front of you, and can be so mean behind your back. The whole week learning, I got total 132 dollars
So I left.
Her name was Mai Ly (pronounce as My Lee). She was in her early 50s, short, gray long messy hair, in supper mini skirt and thigh high boots. Messy hair, because she said whenever going out, a wig would be used, so skipped the hair done.
She was rather sweet to me, a fresh beginner. I really didn’t know anything about working in a nail salon, neither been inside any nail salon before. I came to work, sat down… and wish she let me know what to do. She told me “stay here work for me, I’d teach you everything, how to do nails in the real work, thing is different from your school. I’m also come from the north like you, even though my family moved to the south in 1954, but we still speak northern accent, cook northern foods… I will treat you like my own daughter…”
You can imagine how hard my lonely heart was moved. God, she was the very first fellow Vietnamese I had ever met since moving to America! I could speak Vietnamese to her, think Vietnamese way… my husband speak only English. I so missed my mother tongue. Few months before, after an year long without speaking Vietnamese, I got the Vietnam Embassy number from a website, and called…
Just to hear stranger’s voices speaking the language.
My heart was so homesick.
“I helped a lot of girls to learn the job, how to do nails, how to wax eye browns. They learnt well, then left me, no one stayed to work for me. No one be loyal to me. They all betrayed me, left me… But they were all southerners. I have never met any northern. I’ll teach you well, and you will stay to work for me, ok? Don’t betray me like them…”
I promised to myself loyalty.
It took me 2 hours to do the first pedicure. Just applying color, took me 20 minutes. Didn’t have much practicing at the beauty school, I didn’t even know how to apply color correctly.
But she gave me 5 dollar tip.
I was so happy to look at the 5 dollar bill, like I hadn’t seen it in my whole life. I thought I was lucky, I would be able to make a little money from now on…
I looked at her like looked at my own mother.
After a week, things sudden changed.
The little in town shop had 2 entrances. The front door opened to the main street, the back door open to the parking lot where my husband often waited for me in the car. One evening, after saying good bye to her and called it a day, I went to the back door. I was opening the door, but changed my mind to go to the rest room before leaving. So I close the back door, got in the rest room.
“She’s gone! What’s stupid vile girl! She comes from the poverty land, how come that American guy liked her, took her here? She doesn’t know anything, too stupid. Her family was poor, had nothing on the dinner table… do you look at her? Such a poor girl…”
No, I came from an upper middle class family in Hanoi. My father, a PhD, is one of the top nation expert in the field.
“She doesn’t have any car, her husband drive an old truck. Where does she live? Must be a basement ugly apartment somewhere. I’m too kind to take her in, and she doesn’t know it”
“If my niece is here, I would not need that stupid vile girl… I pray for my niece would get her visa as fast as possible”
blah blah blah.
The next day, I came to work, of course with different way of looking at things
“you don’t know what to do anything at all. What did the school teach you?”
Beauty schools are like any other business, they open to make money. They teach you theory, get you ready for state board, that’s it. Want to really make money, have to be trained in the job.
“ I have Gio` in there, do you want to try. It tastes very good. Must be very rich people in Vietnam to have this big Gio`, but here, it’s nothing!”
What she was talking about? This is “fast food”. In lazy days, didn’t want to cook, I would just buy these home. My dad would feel unhappy when he saw this, because he knew I was lazy. Or maybe she was talking about the old time, during the early 80s, when the Vietnam economy was under crisis? But even then, I didn’t think that Gio` was that expensive…
“I was very beautiful when I was young. I married a colonel when I was 16… When I came to long Island, the whole Long Island looked forward me walking..”
16 year old? Are you kidding me? If it happened here, that colonel must go to jail.
Yes, I really think her way of walking was something special, the 14 year old model in training walk, fighting with those thigh high boots. Did she really think showing off her too short pale thighs would be a beautiful thing to do?
“I teach you, like doing charity works. You have to remember my good heart of helping you out, to be loyalty to me.
Now things were really wrong.
The very first Vietnamese I ever met in the new land, turned out to be a wicked witch. She can be so sweet in front of you, and can be so mean behind your back. The whole week learning, I got total 132 dollars
So I left.
self introduction- the stupid vile nail girl 2
Talk about Nails industry in America, you think of Vietnamese.
After the war, millions of Vietnamese left the country. Some left for freedom, to escape from the “communist”. Some left for happiness, to be with their love ones. Some saw the opportunity of better life, left for a dream of getting rich. Of course, in Asian way, some may not admit they wanted to after money, to become “Vietkieu”, for such vulgar reasons, so communist has been a good excuse. Vietnamese people started conquering nail industry successfully. You can find nail salon on each street everywhere around the states, most of them own and run by Vietnamese.
I was not one of those who wished to leave the country for whatever reason. I wanted to stay, where I had good career, good family, good friends, and my best- friend- little- sister. I chose a life style of travel, to other countries, to meet new people, to see new things, then came back home. But sometimes life happens unexpected. One beautiful day, I met the destiny, a sweet and funny, well-educated American guy, and felt. The love was strong enough to bring me into the strange country, started the dream of a happy family.
I came early October 2003, when I was 3 month pregnant. Spoke English well before coming, and thought would not having any problem with the new life. It turned out not that easy. Not any one understood my English with Vietnamese accent trained by British teachers, and I myself understood nobody. Long Islanders speak much too different from my Floridian husband and European friends. I was lost in no translation. Stopped answering phone, stopped talking to any others then my own husband, totally lost my confident. But I was happy behind the walls, inside the little nest. The husband was caring and loving.
And my son was born in April 2004. It was the most happiness time of my life. I thought we would just live happily ever after…
But my husband started having hallucinations, hearing others said bad things about him…
When my son reached 6 weeks old, my husband got an appendix surgery. Came back home from hospital, combinations of his physical and mental problems became complicated. He got six months disability to stay home. I told myself that I had 6 months to prepare whatever to do to make money, to save the family of anything may happen with my husband after those 6 months.
Since then, from a fun, sweet, hardworking engineer, he became real mental ill big fat hairy lazy man. He didn’t want to get out of the little apartment. He scared of the foot steps up and down the stairs outside. He started pulling the couch across the main door in fear of someone breaking in, and slept with a baseball bat.
And I delayed the plan of getting an MBA, went to a beauty school, got my nail specialty license after 6 months, and started taking mainly financially responsibility in family, officially became a Stupid Vile Nail Girl.
After the war, millions of Vietnamese left the country. Some left for freedom, to escape from the “communist”. Some left for happiness, to be with their love ones. Some saw the opportunity of better life, left for a dream of getting rich. Of course, in Asian way, some may not admit they wanted to after money, to become “Vietkieu”, for such vulgar reasons, so communist has been a good excuse. Vietnamese people started conquering nail industry successfully. You can find nail salon on each street everywhere around the states, most of them own and run by Vietnamese.
I was not one of those who wished to leave the country for whatever reason. I wanted to stay, where I had good career, good family, good friends, and my best- friend- little- sister. I chose a life style of travel, to other countries, to meet new people, to see new things, then came back home. But sometimes life happens unexpected. One beautiful day, I met the destiny, a sweet and funny, well-educated American guy, and felt. The love was strong enough to bring me into the strange country, started the dream of a happy family.
I came early October 2003, when I was 3 month pregnant. Spoke English well before coming, and thought would not having any problem with the new life. It turned out not that easy. Not any one understood my English with Vietnamese accent trained by British teachers, and I myself understood nobody. Long Islanders speak much too different from my Floridian husband and European friends. I was lost in no translation. Stopped answering phone, stopped talking to any others then my own husband, totally lost my confident. But I was happy behind the walls, inside the little nest. The husband was caring and loving.
And my son was born in April 2004. It was the most happiness time of my life. I thought we would just live happily ever after…
But my husband started having hallucinations, hearing others said bad things about him…
When my son reached 6 weeks old, my husband got an appendix surgery. Came back home from hospital, combinations of his physical and mental problems became complicated. He got six months disability to stay home. I told myself that I had 6 months to prepare whatever to do to make money, to save the family of anything may happen with my husband after those 6 months.
Since then, from a fun, sweet, hardworking engineer, he became real mental ill big fat hairy lazy man. He didn’t want to get out of the little apartment. He scared of the foot steps up and down the stairs outside. He started pulling the couch across the main door in fear of someone breaking in, and slept with a baseball bat.
And I delayed the plan of getting an MBA, went to a beauty school, got my nail specialty license after 6 months, and started taking mainly financially responsibility in family, officially became a Stupid Vile Nail Girl.
Friday, August 12, 2011
self introduction- the stupid vile nail girl
I come from Vietnam, a little southeast Asian country, to be known as a name of a war, a not very proud page of the American history.
Moreover, I come from the little town named Hanoi, as known as the capital of Vietnam, as known as the “other side” during the war. Still a lot of American think about Hanoi like a dangerous place, with full of enemies who hates Americans.
But among Vietnamese, Hanoi is the name of romantic old world charms. Somehow is almost like Paris de France, Hanoi in Vietnamese hearts is sweet, is gentle with green and blues, gray of old walls. Hanoi is romantic, the heart of music, of art, of poetry, with young people kissing by lake sides, and friendly smiles to strangers. The old life style is going to disappear in the modern age… but somehow memories linger.
So to Vietnamese, somehow I was the lucky girl, who comes from the dream town, speak (Vietnamese) the dream accent, polite, delicate and sweet, just like the town is. When I moved to down south of Vietnam, there were phones everyday just to hear my voice. To lots of people, Hanoians must be sweet, just like princess must be beautiful…
And just like million life stories, one beautiful day, I met a man, felt in love, and came to America for a dream of happiness.
And became a stupid vile nail girl…
Moreover, I come from the little town named Hanoi, as known as the capital of Vietnam, as known as the “other side” during the war. Still a lot of American think about Hanoi like a dangerous place, with full of enemies who hates Americans.
But among Vietnamese, Hanoi is the name of romantic old world charms. Somehow is almost like Paris de France, Hanoi in Vietnamese hearts is sweet, is gentle with green and blues, gray of old walls. Hanoi is romantic, the heart of music, of art, of poetry, with young people kissing by lake sides, and friendly smiles to strangers. The old life style is going to disappear in the modern age… but somehow memories linger.
So to Vietnamese, somehow I was the lucky girl, who comes from the dream town, speak (Vietnamese) the dream accent, polite, delicate and sweet, just like the town is. When I moved to down south of Vietnam, there were phones everyday just to hear my voice. To lots of people, Hanoians must be sweet, just like princess must be beautiful…
And just like million life stories, one beautiful day, I met a man, felt in love, and came to America for a dream of happiness.
And became a stupid vile nail girl…
Text message
“Hey Lina, this is Scott from match.com”
“Hey Scott! How r u today?
“I’m fine. Where do you live? Can you get away some evening to meet”
“yes, sure. I’m in Westbury”
“Westbury?! Do you work in Manhattan? Come here, it’s the center of universal” (sound like this guy never left the island called Manhattan for at least 20 years
“I see”
“Do you come to the city often? Where is Westbury?”
“it’s in Nassau county, Long island”
“I guess I knew that. Hey, you can find everything in the city” (again?)
“I know”
“you will love the city” (city?)
“how about we set a date for this weekend, you come here to meet me in the city” (city again?)
“no, I don’t go to YOUR city often” (can he text any message without the word of “the city”?)
“My city? Good luck finding a date, an weirdo”…
(ok, “good bye the city” guy)
“Hey Scott! How r u today?
“I’m fine. Where do you live? Can you get away some evening to meet”
“yes, sure. I’m in Westbury”
“Westbury?! Do you work in Manhattan? Come here, it’s the center of universal” (sound like this guy never left the island called Manhattan for at least 20 years
“I see”
“Do you come to the city often? Where is Westbury?”
“it’s in Nassau county, Long island”
“I guess I knew that. Hey, you can find everything in the city” (again?)
“I know”
“you will love the city” (city?)
“how about we set a date for this weekend, you come here to meet me in the city” (city again?)
“no, I don’t go to YOUR city often” (can he text any message without the word of “the city”?)
“My city? Good luck finding a date, an weirdo”…
(ok, “good bye the city” guy)
the Trainer
K told me cl is a very crazy place. I should go to somewhere more serious…
So I went on match.com
The first guy I met, another Dan, let’s call him Dan1a.
He was an athletic trainer at a university. Little long hair, athletic build… Dan1a is very American.
I’m not really into muscle, but in America, when a man is not muscle, 95 percent mean fat.
We met, in another local Starbuck. : “you look adorable, better than in the picture”. Wow! Sound nice. We cracked some jokes, made some laugh. After an hour, we parted, with big smiles on our face.
I told K it went well.
So we date.
He was a divorcee with no kid. “Do you cook?” (K is always around, sorry) “yes, I do, I do”. “Are you a good cook?”. “yes, I am… what? Why do you look at me that way? Okok I’m bad. I burn everything…”. “But you still cook?”. “yes, I have to feed myself…”
He sounded romantic. Capricorns are always romantic…
So I thought of writing him something nice, and poem email.
So we went for few dates without telling him what I did for living. Of course the time came. I told him my son is autistic, my husband is out of job and I have been working in nail salon for a while to support the family.
The reaction was bad.
I posted all these email below
"Dan,
It's hard to call you today, we both missed each other.
So I decided to write you something.
I think I like what You wrote on the profile. You said I wrote with style, but can you pls. read your profile again, do you see the great style you put in those lines? The way you play with words, repeat them (such as "love life" things)... I guess you don't spend much time to write, but when you do, you do great.
Some says "read between the lines", but to get to know the author, you have to "read behind the lines". I'm trying to learn you, to understand... Somehow it's hard... we hardly know each other. So I tried to read the profile again and again...
I love travelling. I did a lot before getting married. Since then, life has been harder. Somehow I survive. When thing slow down, I would start travelling again. Used to have lots of f riends around Europe, but long time, no see, no phone, no email... guess I'm forgotten, in a closed trash can of the pass...
To Vietnamese people, Hanoi is the town of romantic. It's considered like Paris of Vietnam. Hanoian's accent is soft and beautiful. Hanoian people are polite and delicate....
But it's the old charm. Hanoi now is noisier, busier, less polite, taller and fatter.
But somehow memories linger...
I wish one day, you would be able to go with me, back to my home town. The old soul's still there, wake up early, walk to a lake, there's a moment of peace in each cup of tea.
and the town is blue and green.
and the kiss is blue and green.
have a good night."
***
" Thank you that was very beautiful. Its not that I don't like u I do but u r in a bad situation. I appreciate everything, and I really enjoyed ur company but I'm not ready for a commitment, Not the kind u need. I just got out of a long term marriage, so if u want to with no strings attached then we will."
***
" I'm not ready for commitment also, but I'm not interested in NSA. Bad situation is not my fault. But do I bother anyone with my situation? have always been an indipendence. Thanks for being honest"
So I went on match.com
The first guy I met, another Dan, let’s call him Dan1a.
He was an athletic trainer at a university. Little long hair, athletic build… Dan1a is very American.
I’m not really into muscle, but in America, when a man is not muscle, 95 percent mean fat.
We met, in another local Starbuck. : “you look adorable, better than in the picture”. Wow! Sound nice. We cracked some jokes, made some laugh. After an hour, we parted, with big smiles on our face.
I told K it went well.
So we date.
He was a divorcee with no kid. “Do you cook?” (K is always around, sorry) “yes, I do, I do”. “Are you a good cook?”. “yes, I am… what? Why do you look at me that way? Okok I’m bad. I burn everything…”. “But you still cook?”. “yes, I have to feed myself…”
He sounded romantic. Capricorns are always romantic…
So I thought of writing him something nice, and poem email.
So we went for few dates without telling him what I did for living. Of course the time came. I told him my son is autistic, my husband is out of job and I have been working in nail salon for a while to support the family.
The reaction was bad.
I posted all these email below
"Dan,
It's hard to call you today, we both missed each other.
So I decided to write you something.
I think I like what You wrote on the profile. You said I wrote with style, but can you pls. read your profile again, do you see the great style you put in those lines? The way you play with words, repeat them (such as "love life" things)... I guess you don't spend much time to write, but when you do, you do great.
Some says "read between the lines", but to get to know the author, you have to "read behind the lines". I'm trying to learn you, to understand... Somehow it's hard... we hardly know each other. So I tried to read the profile again and again...
I love travelling. I did a lot before getting married. Since then, life has been harder. Somehow I survive. When thing slow down, I would start travelling again. Used to have lots of f riends around Europe, but long time, no see, no phone, no email... guess I'm forgotten, in a closed trash can of the pass...
To Vietnamese people, Hanoi is the town of romantic. It's considered like Paris of Vietnam. Hanoian's accent is soft and beautiful. Hanoian people are polite and delicate....
But it's the old charm. Hanoi now is noisier, busier, less polite, taller and fatter.
But somehow memories linger...
I wish one day, you would be able to go with me, back to my home town. The old soul's still there, wake up early, walk to a lake, there's a moment of peace in each cup of tea.
and the town is blue and green.
and the kiss is blue and green.
have a good night."
***
" Thank you that was very beautiful. Its not that I don't like u I do but u r in a bad situation. I appreciate everything, and I really enjoyed ur company but I'm not ready for a commitment, Not the kind u need. I just got out of a long term marriage, so if u want to with no strings attached then we will."
***
" I'm not ready for commitment also, but I'm not interested in NSA. Bad situation is not my fault. But do I bother anyone with my situation? have always been an indipendence. Thanks for being honest"
Thursday, August 11, 2011
the boring guy
When I was still with B, understanding that we would not be able to go to any happy ending, I forced myself to look for others. B was still married and would not have any future with me and I’m looking for settle down, remarried and have more children. Just a dream of a happy family…
So I met Dan.
Tall, strong arms, sound like gentle.
I didn’t really like him. B’s image was strong in my mind. So I forced myself to pretend to like him.
So we date.
Somehow I found him boring. But I need to get B’s image out of my mind. I was trying to delete B by someone else.
And K was always with me.
Dan told me he worked about computer, but somehow I felt it’s not right. He was hiding something… that made his conversation became boring. He weren’t look like a computer geek, he had the way of considering words before speaking, the way he put pride on himself… so I knew he was lying.
I told Dan I worked in a mall, in a small store.
I know lots of people look down on my job. I’m a nail technician, work hard in a nail salon. Sometimes, I feel tired with the expression on people faces when then learn about my job.
But I can hold a nice conversation, I play 3 different music instruments, used to be a writer (by my mother language) and my ass was cute. So I tried to make the conversations between us become less boring. I brought flowers for the big Italian bowl on his table… “if we don’t find anything to talk, we can talk about flowers”
I tried to delay the disappointment moment… “what is the mystery store where you work, why u can’t tell me?”.
And the moment came. I spoke out the word “nail salon”. Dan froze for a minute, not talking, seems like he’s in shock. After the minute, he said: ”but you still can go back to school”.
I was always want to go back to school. My years in America didn’t let me. My husband medical problems, my autistic son, my rent... Nail job should have got more credit than just that. It pay all these bills, never running behind, even my husband had not worked for 4 years, had gone to school for few months, my son glutten and dairy free diet, the medical bills… I had been working very hard, to maintain it…
After B left me, I rushed into Dan. I asked if he can cook, like K always did it for me. He is still single, just few months younger than B. So I tried to bury myself in to a new kind of relationship, to forget the hurt B left me.
Dan had same height with K, tall, big, muscles, not that warm smile, not that gentle, but closed. Somehow, when he prepared dinner, I found another K with me and felt warmer.
And start building an image of a happy family with Dan in mind. I started google him, tried to learn about him. He was a Cancer, and yahoo said it would be a great match with Tarus. I believed in these yahoo stuff, because somehow it was right. Just like B was a Capricorn and K was an Sagittarius
As my gut told me, he was not just a computer programmer, instead, he was kind of a quite high position (director of something) at an international company with head office based in NYC. It made me feel bad. The guy didn’t want to open…
I missed K, when he proudly introduce me to his family “she is a nail technician”… sounded like “she is a celebrity”. I missed B. Thought about him waiting for me outside the nail salon for hour. Dan wouldn’t do that. He was embarrassed about me. He held my hand uncomfortably when I reached for him in public. It was not right, for both side, but I was sad, I was lonely, I needed to see someone…
I missed B. Dan wasn’t a fan of Graham Green “the quiet American” to adore little Vietnamese girl the way B did.
Dan was not the person who would see all my choices of hard works as a real woman’s acts. The choice to leave everything to be in love, work hard for love… Dan saw me as a regular low income stupid vile nail girl “you have a job, but I have a career”. I knew, Dan, we both knew you have a career.
But I still hoped after a while, he would be able to realize my differences. I knew myself, I could play the hard working girl role to support the family, but I also could play well the role of a real lady in my man's career events. I was a nail technician, but I was well educated, good manner and a good heart. All I wished for, was just a happy family.
And be honest with myself, was I using him to forget someone? Do I making him become another K? I knew it’s complicated in me. But at the time, my excuses were trying to survive myself, when B left and K never wanted to commit. There’s feeling guilty to make up for the guy. So I tried, to make him happy each time we met.
I didn’t really pay attention on his stories about work (I knew he was down playing everything) and life (yes he had never really open). Somehow, sometimes, the not-humble-man in him got out showing off a little off, but then the other not- want- to-open-man in him stopped it. I guessed he saw me because he was bored…
But I was depressed. I was almost 39 year old. The time for having children was become shorter. Finally, Dan was a “good sperm”, tall, smart with dimples. I always love dimples…
We’d seen each other for a month.
I texted him “miss you” almost every day. I know I didn’t really mean it. The texts were supposed for B.
I was really messed.
But I was hoping, maybe after a while, when we get to know each other little more… the love would come later… maybe we would have a respectable family, he wanted kid, didn’t him?
Then one day, Dan said he would like to talk, about us.
He wanted to break up. “I like you, I like your company, but I don’t feel anything for a future. I don’t want to waste your time nor my time, hope I didn’t ruin your party tonight”…
Simple and easy.
I didn’t cry at first. Deep down I knew it would come. I went to my boss’s party, heavy mind, heavy heart. I was sad, I felt sorry for my loneliness…
And I did a big mistake in that party, when it turned to karaoke time, I picked a war time hometown song… I picked, because it great fit for my strong high voice, and the hometown is always lighten up my heart… who cares of communist at the moment. Who cares of other listener’s reactions...
A friend of mine called in the next day. That’s was the time I cried. I cried to her, for my own loneliness, for my son’s loneliness, for all the right or wrong I did, for K, for B and for me. All my tries… I don’t want my son to be lonely, homeless one day I leave the life…
My apology, Dan, for trying to make you another K. K is un-replaceable. K always has a room in my little heart. Sorry Dan, for trying to use you to forget about B. Sorry for the complicated in me. I know life is hard, but it’s too much hard on my share…
So I met Dan.
Tall, strong arms, sound like gentle.
I didn’t really like him. B’s image was strong in my mind. So I forced myself to pretend to like him.
So we date.
Somehow I found him boring. But I need to get B’s image out of my mind. I was trying to delete B by someone else.
And K was always with me.
Dan told me he worked about computer, but somehow I felt it’s not right. He was hiding something… that made his conversation became boring. He weren’t look like a computer geek, he had the way of considering words before speaking, the way he put pride on himself… so I knew he was lying.
I told Dan I worked in a mall, in a small store.
I know lots of people look down on my job. I’m a nail technician, work hard in a nail salon. Sometimes, I feel tired with the expression on people faces when then learn about my job.
But I can hold a nice conversation, I play 3 different music instruments, used to be a writer (by my mother language) and my ass was cute. So I tried to make the conversations between us become less boring. I brought flowers for the big Italian bowl on his table… “if we don’t find anything to talk, we can talk about flowers”
I tried to delay the disappointment moment… “what is the mystery store where you work, why u can’t tell me?”.
And the moment came. I spoke out the word “nail salon”. Dan froze for a minute, not talking, seems like he’s in shock. After the minute, he said: ”but you still can go back to school”.
I was always want to go back to school. My years in America didn’t let me. My husband medical problems, my autistic son, my rent... Nail job should have got more credit than just that. It pay all these bills, never running behind, even my husband had not worked for 4 years, had gone to school for few months, my son glutten and dairy free diet, the medical bills… I had been working very hard, to maintain it…
After B left me, I rushed into Dan. I asked if he can cook, like K always did it for me. He is still single, just few months younger than B. So I tried to bury myself in to a new kind of relationship, to forget the hurt B left me.
Dan had same height with K, tall, big, muscles, not that warm smile, not that gentle, but closed. Somehow, when he prepared dinner, I found another K with me and felt warmer.
And start building an image of a happy family with Dan in mind. I started google him, tried to learn about him. He was a Cancer, and yahoo said it would be a great match with Tarus. I believed in these yahoo stuff, because somehow it was right. Just like B was a Capricorn and K was an Sagittarius
As my gut told me, he was not just a computer programmer, instead, he was kind of a quite high position (director of something) at an international company with head office based in NYC. It made me feel bad. The guy didn’t want to open…
I missed K, when he proudly introduce me to his family “she is a nail technician”… sounded like “she is a celebrity”. I missed B. Thought about him waiting for me outside the nail salon for hour. Dan wouldn’t do that. He was embarrassed about me. He held my hand uncomfortably when I reached for him in public. It was not right, for both side, but I was sad, I was lonely, I needed to see someone…
I missed B. Dan wasn’t a fan of Graham Green “the quiet American” to adore little Vietnamese girl the way B did.
Dan was not the person who would see all my choices of hard works as a real woman’s acts. The choice to leave everything to be in love, work hard for love… Dan saw me as a regular low income stupid vile nail girl “you have a job, but I have a career”. I knew, Dan, we both knew you have a career.
But I still hoped after a while, he would be able to realize my differences. I knew myself, I could play the hard working girl role to support the family, but I also could play well the role of a real lady in my man's career events. I was a nail technician, but I was well educated, good manner and a good heart. All I wished for, was just a happy family.
And be honest with myself, was I using him to forget someone? Do I making him become another K? I knew it’s complicated in me. But at the time, my excuses were trying to survive myself, when B left and K never wanted to commit. There’s feeling guilty to make up for the guy. So I tried, to make him happy each time we met.
I didn’t really pay attention on his stories about work (I knew he was down playing everything) and life (yes he had never really open). Somehow, sometimes, the not-humble-man in him got out showing off a little off, but then the other not- want- to-open-man in him stopped it. I guessed he saw me because he was bored…
But I was depressed. I was almost 39 year old. The time for having children was become shorter. Finally, Dan was a “good sperm”, tall, smart with dimples. I always love dimples…
We’d seen each other for a month.
I texted him “miss you” almost every day. I know I didn’t really mean it. The texts were supposed for B.
I was really messed.
But I was hoping, maybe after a while, when we get to know each other little more… the love would come later… maybe we would have a respectable family, he wanted kid, didn’t him?
Then one day, Dan said he would like to talk, about us.
He wanted to break up. “I like you, I like your company, but I don’t feel anything for a future. I don’t want to waste your time nor my time, hope I didn’t ruin your party tonight”…
Simple and easy.
I didn’t cry at first. Deep down I knew it would come. I went to my boss’s party, heavy mind, heavy heart. I was sad, I felt sorry for my loneliness…
And I did a big mistake in that party, when it turned to karaoke time, I picked a war time hometown song… I picked, because it great fit for my strong high voice, and the hometown is always lighten up my heart… who cares of communist at the moment. Who cares of other listener’s reactions...
A friend of mine called in the next day. That’s was the time I cried. I cried to her, for my own loneliness, for my son’s loneliness, for all the right or wrong I did, for K, for B and for me. All my tries… I don’t want my son to be lonely, homeless one day I leave the life…
My apology, Dan, for trying to make you another K. K is un-replaceable. K always has a room in my little heart. Sorry Dan, for trying to use you to forget about B. Sorry for the complicated in me. I know life is hard, but it’s too much hard on my share…
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
when you get involved with a married man
I, myself, more than once felt for married men, back then during my girlhood. My first love was spoiled by lies and dishonest. This piece is for all the women, found the perfection in married men, who are, getting closer to perfect by being married. Next time, I’ll post another piece about what do we, women, are looking for in men, and the type of men, who would move our women hearts by miles…
***
When you get involved with a married man, there will be a lot of cold lonely night, try to lullaby yourself, stare at the ceiling, to feel the burning desire of a warm hug, a good night kiss or just the manly scent on empty pillow. Sometimes, you even just wish for a good night text.
*
When you get involved with a married man, life will stop going the way you plan. The world is upside down. A little family of your own? Science fiction! The dream child of love? What the hell are you talking about! His words “want to take care of you”? Dreamer!
*
When you get involved with a married man, holidays will be all nightmares. How can you go through his favorite thanksgiving? His wife will cook, his children will make the table, there will be a perfect picture of happy family and you had never been existed. The Christmas week will totally be empty, will be no phone, no text, and don’t dare to think of a date. He is busy, priority have to be taken care of, no room for you.
*
When your car broke down on highway in the New Year morning, the first thing popped up on your mind would be the manly man? No, he was on his way taking his lady out for a romantic sweet date. Oh god, please don’t cry you’re stupid girl. You are so not his priority. Please don’t feel like abundant crap aside life-road.
*
And the valentine’s… let’s start learning to hate it. There will be only you. Restaurants are full of reservations for legal couples, let alone the loneliness. Yes you can cry, you can scream, you can go buying yourself a bunch of red roses and pretend to be happy. Yes you are happy. Just don’t tell anyone it’s a lie.
*
Family is like a little nest, for him each day bring home a little hay, fix the door, paint the walls, securely comfortably cover his perfect life. Sometimes, on the way looking for hay, he sees your cute ass and says “hey, I need little extra fun before going back to the nest”. You will see yourself trying to collect the hurry moment he gives to you, then seeing him get off. Again, you go back home, building up your nest, lonely, patiently, your way is boring and long.
*
When you get involved with a married man, there will be a lot of loneliness. The day will full of phone checking and day dreaming, the poor little dreams that never come true. The sweetness turn sour when you realize the unsafely fiction zone. You will tear a lot, you will brave a lot. So why you can’t just turn around, walk away. Why the hold is so tight, the kiss’s so passionate, the words are sweet and the love making is so emotional.
*
When you get involved with a married man, you are not the only one. There’re lots of women out there in the same sinking boat. Oh those stupid women, lead their lives by sickness hearts. Beautiful sunny out there, why don’t you just get out, inhale few healthy breaths?
*
Your life is short.
***
When you get involved with a married man, there will be a lot of cold lonely night, try to lullaby yourself, stare at the ceiling, to feel the burning desire of a warm hug, a good night kiss or just the manly scent on empty pillow. Sometimes, you even just wish for a good night text.
*
When you get involved with a married man, life will stop going the way you plan. The world is upside down. A little family of your own? Science fiction! The dream child of love? What the hell are you talking about! His words “want to take care of you”? Dreamer!
*
When you get involved with a married man, holidays will be all nightmares. How can you go through his favorite thanksgiving? His wife will cook, his children will make the table, there will be a perfect picture of happy family and you had never been existed. The Christmas week will totally be empty, will be no phone, no text, and don’t dare to think of a date. He is busy, priority have to be taken care of, no room for you.
*
When your car broke down on highway in the New Year morning, the first thing popped up on your mind would be the manly man? No, he was on his way taking his lady out for a romantic sweet date. Oh god, please don’t cry you’re stupid girl. You are so not his priority. Please don’t feel like abundant crap aside life-road.
*
And the valentine’s… let’s start learning to hate it. There will be only you. Restaurants are full of reservations for legal couples, let alone the loneliness. Yes you can cry, you can scream, you can go buying yourself a bunch of red roses and pretend to be happy. Yes you are happy. Just don’t tell anyone it’s a lie.
*
Family is like a little nest, for him each day bring home a little hay, fix the door, paint the walls, securely comfortably cover his perfect life. Sometimes, on the way looking for hay, he sees your cute ass and says “hey, I need little extra fun before going back to the nest”. You will see yourself trying to collect the hurry moment he gives to you, then seeing him get off. Again, you go back home, building up your nest, lonely, patiently, your way is boring and long.
*
When you get involved with a married man, there will be a lot of loneliness. The day will full of phone checking and day dreaming, the poor little dreams that never come true. The sweetness turn sour when you realize the unsafely fiction zone. You will tear a lot, you will brave a lot. So why you can’t just turn around, walk away. Why the hold is so tight, the kiss’s so passionate, the words are sweet and the love making is so emotional.
*
When you get involved with a married man, you are not the only one. There’re lots of women out there in the same sinking boat. Oh those stupid women, lead their lives by sickness hearts. Beautiful sunny out there, why don’t you just get out, inhale few healthy breaths?
*
Your life is short.
the Ucrainian
The Ukrainian
I met B the first time in a long island small town Mexican café, near the train track. Waited for someone he never met for 45 minutes. Didn’t make any complain, just ordered my drink and said “you are so beautiful”. The comment made me wonder, if he was genuine, or it’s just social spoken.
I have to mention that I’m not that kind of very beautiful outlook. Almost never wear make-up, I’m too plain and simple. My hair and nails are in mess and wearing glasses. But I do know I had a nice tiny body, long straight legs and dimples. Somehow, in late 30s, I’m little luckier than white women as we- Asian- are normally appear younger to western eyes.
This’s kind of handsome man next door with a shy (pretend to be or genuine?) smile must be a real advantage. B was 44 but appeared younger. Kind of quiet, sometimes use words passionately, sometimes carefully choosing every word with caution, using words and story to tell like a real writer, good reader, black bell karate and also a piano player, love horses…
To me, B was very interesting. In addition, I have to say that physically, he is real attractive.
So we date again, and again. We had always had good talk, but his emails and text messages were really what I was always expecting for. Literature is a good way to unveil the writer, at least to me. In his writing, I found a caring warm heart, the loving father. It’s said “read between the lines”, but to get to know the writer, you need to read behind the lines. There, in the back, a tall handsome man with sweet heart, strong but gentle, talents but humble, rich but never show off. What else u expect from a modern man?
The first kiss came in the 3rd date, when we were having lunch in a small restaurant. Just a quick between waitress’s time. The real one came after the meal, on his way taking me to my car. He grabbed me from behind, turned my body around, and started a long, passionate kiss on the lips, like he had been waiting for this moment for forever. I was totally blown away. No more K in mind for an hour.
It’s was a new summer day, with the new hot sun playing our hair, heat the feeling like the one you may just have couple times during your long existence.
What do you expected after the first kiss? You parted, went back home flying. Before I reached open the door, he called, just thank for the moment, thank for being a so good kisser. My heart was sunk. My mind had gone to the clouds.
Since then, the relationship went on like dreams. He was so manly and caring. He always picked somewhere close to me to meet, when my time is limited and gas price went up high, even though it means he himself sometimes had to drive for an hour, just to be able to see me for few minutes between my 2 clients.
It was a dark night of august, about almost 2 months after our first met. We met late, on his way back from a party. The moon was absent. We sat in his truck and kissed. He pulled me out of passenger seat, put me on his lap and just couldn’t stop. He messed up my hair, messed up my shirt. The world had stopped and what supposed to happen had happened. He took off our clothes, eyes begged me for an intercourse. At that moment, I feel like I was totally his, belong to his. Our first time, happened like magic. I was blown away by his manly magic.
B was like a man who come from “the gold coast” pages written by Nelson De Mille. Actually live on the gold coast, B is a son of a successful businessman, who love riding horseback and spent time on racing track. I don’t know how did his father raise him, but I think he did a great job. B never showed off any wealthy or power. To me, he was always a sweet, caring man.
The prince charming was not belong to me. He was still married. I didn’t know why he decided to reply my ad, even though I specific pointed out I was looking to restart a family, a serious thing. B was still married, with 3 kids. Neither know why he picked me when I think in his position, he could find an escort service without any worriment. Why he decided to interfere with my poor life to make it worse.
I was raised in the culture not encourage damaging any family. Being with a married man is not a good thing to do. My mind told me to leave him million times, but somehow, my heart was weak. Think about it, when you are just a nail technician, working long hours in a nail salon. And out there, there’s a multimillionaire, waiting patiently for hours, to drive you home. Do you feel moved somehow? Sometimes, when you are treated like a slave by unkindly clients, there’s a great man, always gentle, always in passion, treat you like the most beautiful princess in the world. Do you value the time you have with him? And I didn’t want it to end. Every time we met, I feel like I’m a human again.
I come from Asia, come to the America in the age of 31. Back home, I had a BS degree that is not accepted here. I used to have a career, and once used to have more than 200 people worked for me. But then as most of other women, I felt in love with a man, and decided to give up the career for a happy family. So I come to America to be with him. The end was not very romantic, but it was started romantically.
It’s hard to restart a new career life in the age of 31. After my son was born, my husband got in trouble with lots of medical problems. To maintain family’s income, I joint the fellow Asian community, working in nail salons all around long island. This job helps me to take care of my husband medical bills, the rent, the living costs and my son special needs. But this job made me look bad in a lot of eyes, a low class in the social American life. Just not customers sometimes treat us like slave, but also a lot of men when they learnt what I did for living, even didn’t try to hide facial expressions. I didn’t like to do it, neither good at it, but I needed to take care of the man of my life and my special need child. I did whatever I can. It’s hurt after all those year, the "man of my life” turned out just a jerk. All my slavery years working to support him just enough to get the title “wicked witch of the far east”.
Never allow myself to use men’s money, I never asked B to pay for anything. I didn’t feel the equal in our relationship so I didn’t accept his Christmas gift. He never let me pay for restaurants, so I tried to cook for him sometimes, to pay the bill my way. It may sound ridiculous to a lot of people. But somehow it’s me, and I just couldn’t change myself. I tried, but failed.
That was a long and crazy winter of snow storm competition. I had never been a good driver and scare of snow and cold. One time on the way home, I hit a big pile of snow and wouldn’t get out. B said wait for him in half an hour, he would make his way to dig me out.
Nobody wants to get out at that weather. B made me feel happy with just this, I feel like he cared.
Luckily, I saw a snow plow truck passed by so I got out screaming for help. The man dig my car out, and even clear all the way for me to go back home. His name was Carman, drove Old Westbury village snow truck in the winter of 2010. I’ve never said thanks enough to this person. If from any day, anywhere, you read this, pls. take my thankful. I have should looked for you after that day, but somehow, when I got lost in this life… I haven’t. I’m sorry.
Little by little, I slept on his caring, and forgot about reality.
Until his wife found out.
And he left me.
It’s hurt.
I met B the first time in a long island small town Mexican café, near the train track. Waited for someone he never met for 45 minutes. Didn’t make any complain, just ordered my drink and said “you are so beautiful”. The comment made me wonder, if he was genuine, or it’s just social spoken.
I have to mention that I’m not that kind of very beautiful outlook. Almost never wear make-up, I’m too plain and simple. My hair and nails are in mess and wearing glasses. But I do know I had a nice tiny body, long straight legs and dimples. Somehow, in late 30s, I’m little luckier than white women as we- Asian- are normally appear younger to western eyes.
This’s kind of handsome man next door with a shy (pretend to be or genuine?) smile must be a real advantage. B was 44 but appeared younger. Kind of quiet, sometimes use words passionately, sometimes carefully choosing every word with caution, using words and story to tell like a real writer, good reader, black bell karate and also a piano player, love horses…
To me, B was very interesting. In addition, I have to say that physically, he is real attractive.
So we date again, and again. We had always had good talk, but his emails and text messages were really what I was always expecting for. Literature is a good way to unveil the writer, at least to me. In his writing, I found a caring warm heart, the loving father. It’s said “read between the lines”, but to get to know the writer, you need to read behind the lines. There, in the back, a tall handsome man with sweet heart, strong but gentle, talents but humble, rich but never show off. What else u expect from a modern man?
The first kiss came in the 3rd date, when we were having lunch in a small restaurant. Just a quick between waitress’s time. The real one came after the meal, on his way taking me to my car. He grabbed me from behind, turned my body around, and started a long, passionate kiss on the lips, like he had been waiting for this moment for forever. I was totally blown away. No more K in mind for an hour.
It’s was a new summer day, with the new hot sun playing our hair, heat the feeling like the one you may just have couple times during your long existence.
What do you expected after the first kiss? You parted, went back home flying. Before I reached open the door, he called, just thank for the moment, thank for being a so good kisser. My heart was sunk. My mind had gone to the clouds.
Since then, the relationship went on like dreams. He was so manly and caring. He always picked somewhere close to me to meet, when my time is limited and gas price went up high, even though it means he himself sometimes had to drive for an hour, just to be able to see me for few minutes between my 2 clients.
It was a dark night of august, about almost 2 months after our first met. We met late, on his way back from a party. The moon was absent. We sat in his truck and kissed. He pulled me out of passenger seat, put me on his lap and just couldn’t stop. He messed up my hair, messed up my shirt. The world had stopped and what supposed to happen had happened. He took off our clothes, eyes begged me for an intercourse. At that moment, I feel like I was totally his, belong to his. Our first time, happened like magic. I was blown away by his manly magic.
B was like a man who come from “the gold coast” pages written by Nelson De Mille. Actually live on the gold coast, B is a son of a successful businessman, who love riding horseback and spent time on racing track. I don’t know how did his father raise him, but I think he did a great job. B never showed off any wealthy or power. To me, he was always a sweet, caring man.
The prince charming was not belong to me. He was still married. I didn’t know why he decided to reply my ad, even though I specific pointed out I was looking to restart a family, a serious thing. B was still married, with 3 kids. Neither know why he picked me when I think in his position, he could find an escort service without any worriment. Why he decided to interfere with my poor life to make it worse.
I was raised in the culture not encourage damaging any family. Being with a married man is not a good thing to do. My mind told me to leave him million times, but somehow, my heart was weak. Think about it, when you are just a nail technician, working long hours in a nail salon. And out there, there’s a multimillionaire, waiting patiently for hours, to drive you home. Do you feel moved somehow? Sometimes, when you are treated like a slave by unkindly clients, there’s a great man, always gentle, always in passion, treat you like the most beautiful princess in the world. Do you value the time you have with him? And I didn’t want it to end. Every time we met, I feel like I’m a human again.
I come from Asia, come to the America in the age of 31. Back home, I had a BS degree that is not accepted here. I used to have a career, and once used to have more than 200 people worked for me. But then as most of other women, I felt in love with a man, and decided to give up the career for a happy family. So I come to America to be with him. The end was not very romantic, but it was started romantically.
It’s hard to restart a new career life in the age of 31. After my son was born, my husband got in trouble with lots of medical problems. To maintain family’s income, I joint the fellow Asian community, working in nail salons all around long island. This job helps me to take care of my husband medical bills, the rent, the living costs and my son special needs. But this job made me look bad in a lot of eyes, a low class in the social American life. Just not customers sometimes treat us like slave, but also a lot of men when they learnt what I did for living, even didn’t try to hide facial expressions. I didn’t like to do it, neither good at it, but I needed to take care of the man of my life and my special need child. I did whatever I can. It’s hurt after all those year, the "man of my life” turned out just a jerk. All my slavery years working to support him just enough to get the title “wicked witch of the far east”.
Never allow myself to use men’s money, I never asked B to pay for anything. I didn’t feel the equal in our relationship so I didn’t accept his Christmas gift. He never let me pay for restaurants, so I tried to cook for him sometimes, to pay the bill my way. It may sound ridiculous to a lot of people. But somehow it’s me, and I just couldn’t change myself. I tried, but failed.
That was a long and crazy winter of snow storm competition. I had never been a good driver and scare of snow and cold. One time on the way home, I hit a big pile of snow and wouldn’t get out. B said wait for him in half an hour, he would make his way to dig me out.
Nobody wants to get out at that weather. B made me feel happy with just this, I feel like he cared.
Luckily, I saw a snow plow truck passed by so I got out screaming for help. The man dig my car out, and even clear all the way for me to go back home. His name was Carman, drove Old Westbury village snow truck in the winter of 2010. I’ve never said thanks enough to this person. If from any day, anywhere, you read this, pls. take my thankful. I have should looked for you after that day, but somehow, when I got lost in this life… I haven’t. I’m sorry.
Little by little, I slept on his caring, and forgot about reality.
Until his wife found out.
And he left me.
It’s hurt.
Pre.
So I started posting advertisement on cl, a kind of website that u can find everything, from a broken chair to a real person. Lots of problems with this kind of web, authorities and police officers are headache. But it’s not my own problem, at least till now.
The depression of having a real family makes my heart restless. I want to find a good man, to fall in love, to have more kids, to share the rest of life. But my heart somehow is still with K, with his jealous and hates. But deep down, I know we both have to move on. He would never get his peace back with my asking of children every single day. I was getting older every stinking day. The time for baby had been shorten quickly and I put all the pressure on his shoulder…
It’s not easy to find a good man, especially to someone who come from the culture when people say they love each other hundreds times before taking each other to bed, to the culture where they go to bed hundreds of times before saying they love each other. K said his “L” word to me the first time after dating for year and few months. I know he meant it, he really meant it. But do I have time to be patient wait like that again.
So I try to write down all my adventure in this part of the world. My apology for any English mistaken in both grammar and sentence as I’m so not native English speaker. In addition, this writing is too private, and I have been too shy to ask for any English native editing help. But in the other side, no any other editor, mean the words would not be changed to different purposes, would still be my raw writing and feeling.
So the process of all these adventures would be like this: I posted an Ad. Men will reply. Sometimes I reply men’s post, if any really interesting ad, but it’s not usual. Women’s advertisements usually get more replies than men. There’s some men replied to every ad I posted, I guess they replied to all the advertisements every single day. How do they have the time, I don’t know. What’re their real purposes, I don’t know. But I don’t read them after the 3 replied
I deleted all email with naked picture, penis pictures and something sound like “how long, how wide” kind of words. These types are normally about 30 percent. There’re about 15 percent of too old man, 15% of too young, 30% of married men looking for extra sex…
I would pick few emails to reply. After that cut, we would find a public place to meet for a second round…
The depression of having a real family makes my heart restless. I want to find a good man, to fall in love, to have more kids, to share the rest of life. But my heart somehow is still with K, with his jealous and hates. But deep down, I know we both have to move on. He would never get his peace back with my asking of children every single day. I was getting older every stinking day. The time for baby had been shorten quickly and I put all the pressure on his shoulder…
It’s not easy to find a good man, especially to someone who come from the culture when people say they love each other hundreds times before taking each other to bed, to the culture where they go to bed hundreds of times before saying they love each other. K said his “L” word to me the first time after dating for year and few months. I know he meant it, he really meant it. But do I have time to be patient wait like that again.
So I try to write down all my adventure in this part of the world. My apology for any English mistaken in both grammar and sentence as I’m so not native English speaker. In addition, this writing is too private, and I have been too shy to ask for any English native editing help. But in the other side, no any other editor, mean the words would not be changed to different purposes, would still be my raw writing and feeling.
So the process of all these adventures would be like this: I posted an Ad. Men will reply. Sometimes I reply men’s post, if any really interesting ad, but it’s not usual. Women’s advertisements usually get more replies than men. There’s some men replied to every ad I posted, I guess they replied to all the advertisements every single day. How do they have the time, I don’t know. What’re their real purposes, I don’t know. But I don’t read them after the 3 replied
I deleted all email with naked picture, penis pictures and something sound like “how long, how wide” kind of words. These types are normally about 30 percent. There’re about 15 percent of too old man, 15% of too young, 30% of married men looking for extra sex…
I would pick few emails to reply. After that cut, we would find a public place to meet for a second round…
The sweet man.
K is the soul of all these stories. K was the first one I met, not from the cl, but a local bagel store. I was still kind of married, but sexually we had not touched each other for over 5 years. Mentally my husband was out of town to fight for his life. I was horny and lonely.
K was never been my type of man. His hair was all gray, made him look even older than his real age, that was 13 years senior than me, but somehow I feel like his warm smile. May be I was horny and lonely.
We talked and became kind of friend with benefit. Just like me, he was lonely and horny. At first, he found me somehow crazy, running around between home and work and looked for a new baby sitter every week. He helped me out once, sent me his former receptionist, a real beautiful model type, who didn’t know how to change my boy’s diaper. But he was horny and lonely, so he took me to fill his bore and needs. We were kind of convenience for the sexual part, and we both were not each other’s type.
Since the other name of sex is “love making”, so after 2 year pillow talks, we became closer. Somehow we fell in love. We were still not our types and things became inconvenience. During the period of 2 years, many things had happened. I got officially separated from the legal husband of 7 years, with many ups and downs moments. Somehow K had been always with me, helped me stand.
K was a real sweet man, kind and noble, smart but hasn’t got any luck in life, if I don’t mention about too many bad lucks. Long stories for short, he has been in major financial problems after filed for bankruptcy years ago. His nasty divorce brought even more troubles and lawyer bills. During the bankruptcy time, his child support delaying ended up with disaster. He got back to work after the process, and restarted paying child support, but after few months, the child support debt went up to almost 100k.
Sometimes, I don’t understand some American women, why they have to give the exes all those extra problems and without any understanding. Is that their angriness? Whatever happened, they used to love each other, used to be together. One day together, memory last forever, why you have to be unkind?
Life is full of up and down, career, economy are the same, up and down as that. She blocked him from visiting the children. Despite made 120k in 2010 bad economy, K has been living under poverty for decades.
When I met K, It has started a real hard time for him. The company where he worked was under reforming. The economy destroyed many business and people. The new owner, who bought the whole business to win a sale girl’s heart, turned out to be a very bad temper guy, with lots of yelling and craziness. The business’s mood turned up and down together with their on and off relationship. K went to work each day, wondering if the couple had sex the night before, so the boss would be in little better mood. It’s ironic when your professional life depended on someone else sex life. Of course as you may be aware, the sale girl now acting like boss, happily, stupidly and angrily playing power games.
The personal financial situation and responsibilities with the kids that he wasn’t allow buying them Christmas gift, stopped K to turn away, to get a lower salary new job. So he stayed, kept his head low, listen to all the yelling bullshit every single moment.
I felt so sorry for K. He was the sweet man. Used to be rich, the child support became too high for his current situation. He tastes was kind of picky, so he turned out to be a real good cook inside his own kitchen. I didn’t really like his American food, but making him to spend the rest of weekly budget on my dinner seems not a right thing to do, so I told him I loved his cook, and he didn’t need to take me to any restaurant.
I got separated. The truth was we had not touched each other for almost 6 years. My son is autistic and needed a lot of love. With a very quiet father and a work too much mother, he was too lonely, stay inside the door. I always wished to have another child. I talked with the husband about having another kid, also about trying marital sex again. He denied.
So there’s no other choice. I was 38 year old and still want to have at least one more child. With the husband who never want to get a cheap payment hourly job, but couldn’t find any engineering job as his profession in the bad economy, I have to work 70 hours a week to keep up with his engineer living standard. He had been out of job for 4 years. I became exhausted, horny and lost believe in him.
And I was in love with K.
But K said he was too old, too broke, and too sick for any other child.
I said I don’t need money. I had always been independence, I could keep on working, saving money, and if we live together, we would share the bills, and if I stopped paying my ex’s student loan, we would be in much better shape financially of starting a real family.
K said he could change his mind so he could marry me if it was what I want. But he just couldn’t have any other child. Even if he had to lose me, he just couldn’t have any other child.
It’s hurt. Especially to someone was born and raised in Asia. To us, marriage mean having children together except if the god doesn’t want you to and it would be a very bad luck. My great uncle remarried in the age of 70, and still had 2 more children.
It was a hard, long and painful and tearful decision, we made an agreement to let me looking for another potential father of my future children and I had to keep honest to him, to tell him all about the other men.
And it’s started a period that full of jealous and hates, of happiness and hurts between us. I can’t understand why he loved me that much as he said, but he still couldn’t give me another chance. Everyday asking me all jealous questions about men, I know it’s hurt him too. I know it’s hard to see me dating many other men. Million times I asked him pls. change his mind, to give me another child, just one more, we would be together forever and I would do everything for him. But he would never change. May be we came to each other just because we were lonely and horny. May be he loved me because I had never cost him any dollar. I know I am always a good supporter, good listener, because of all the hard time we shared, the problems we shared. We learnt each other through the hardness, understood each other, but we had never been each other’s type of man or girl.
But we loved each other so...
What a bizarre relationship.
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