the boring guy

When I was still with B, understanding that we would not be able to go to any happy ending, I forced myself to look for others. B was still married and would not have any future with me and I’m looking for settle down, remarried and have more children. Just a dream of a happy family…

So I met Dan.

Tall, strong arms, sound like gentle.

I didn’t really like him. B’s image was strong in my mind. So I forced myself to pretend to like him.

So we date.

Somehow I found him boring. But I need to get B’s image out of my mind. I was trying to delete B by someone else.

And K was always with me.

Dan told me he worked about computer, but somehow I felt it’s not right. He was hiding something… that made his conversation became boring. He weren’t look like a computer geek, he had the way of considering words before speaking, the way he put pride on himself… so I knew he was lying.

I told Dan I worked in a mall, in a small store.

I know lots of people look down on my job. I’m a nail technician, work hard in a nail salon. Sometimes, I feel tired with the expression on people faces when then learn about my job.
But I can hold a nice conversation, I play 3 different music instruments, used to be a writer (by my mother language) and my ass was cute. So I tried to make the conversations between us become less boring. I brought flowers for the big Italian bowl on his table… “if we don’t find anything to talk, we can talk about flowers”

I tried to delay the disappointment moment… “what is the mystery store where you work, why u can’t tell me?”.

And the moment came. I spoke out the word “nail salon”. Dan froze for a minute, not talking, seems like he’s in shock. After the minute, he said: ”but you still can go back to school”.

I was always want to go back to school. My years in America didn’t let me. My husband medical problems, my autistic son, my rent... Nail job should have got more credit than just that. It pay all these bills, never running behind, even my husband had not worked for 4 years, had gone to school for few months, my son glutten and dairy free diet, the medical bills… I had been working very hard, to maintain it…

After B left me, I rushed into Dan. I asked if he can cook, like K always did it for me. He is still single, just few months younger than B. So I tried to bury myself in to a new kind of relationship, to forget the hurt B left me.

Dan had same height with K, tall, big, muscles, not that warm smile, not that gentle, but closed. Somehow, when he prepared dinner, I found another K with me and felt warmer.

And start building an image of a happy family with Dan in mind. I started google him, tried to learn about him. He was a Cancer, and yahoo said it would be a great match with Tarus. I believed in these yahoo stuff, because somehow it was right. Just like B was a Capricorn and K was an Sagittarius

As my gut told me, he was not just a computer programmer, instead, he was kind of a quite high position (director of something) at an international company with head office based in NYC. It made me feel bad. The guy didn’t want to open…

I missed K, when he proudly introduce me to his family “she is a nail technician”… sounded like “she is a celebrity”. I missed B. Thought about him waiting for me outside the nail salon for hour. Dan wouldn’t do that. He was embarrassed about me. He held my hand uncomfortably when I reached for him in public. It was not right, for both side, but I was sad, I was lonely, I needed to see someone…

I missed B. Dan wasn’t a fan of Graham Green “the quiet American” to adore little Vietnamese girl the way B did.

Dan was not the person who would see all my choices of hard works as a real woman’s acts. The choice to leave everything to be in love, work hard for love… Dan saw me as a regular low income stupid vile nail girl “you have a job, but I have a career”. I knew, Dan, we both knew you have a career.

But I still hoped after a while, he would be able to realize my differences. I knew myself, I could play the hard working girl role to support the family, but I also could play well the role of a real lady in my man's career events. I was a nail technician, but I was well educated, good manner and a good heart. All I wished for, was just a happy family.

And be honest with myself, was I using him to forget someone? Do I making him become another K? I knew it’s complicated in me. But at the time, my excuses were trying to survive myself, when B left and K never wanted to commit. There’s feeling guilty to make up for the guy. So I tried, to make him happy each time we met.

I didn’t really pay attention on his stories about work (I knew he was down playing everything) and life (yes he had never really open). Somehow, sometimes, the not-humble-man in him got out showing off a little off, but then the other not- want- to-open-man in him stopped it. I guessed he saw me because he was bored…

But I was depressed. I was almost 39 year old. The time for having children was become shorter. Finally, Dan was a “good sperm”, tall, smart with dimples. I always love dimples…

We’d seen each other for a month.

I texted him “miss you” almost every day. I know I didn’t really mean it. The texts were supposed for B.

I was really messed.

But I was hoping, maybe after a while, when we get to know each other little more… the love would come later… maybe we would have a respectable family, he wanted kid, didn’t him?

Then one day, Dan said he would like to talk, about us.

He wanted to break up. “I like you, I like your company, but I don’t feel anything for a future. I don’t want to waste your time nor my time, hope I didn’t ruin your party tonight”…

Simple and easy.

I didn’t cry at first. Deep down I knew it would come. I went to my boss’s party, heavy mind, heavy heart. I was sad, I felt sorry for my loneliness…

And I did a big mistake in that party, when it turned to karaoke time, I picked a war time hometown song… I picked, because it great fit for my strong high voice, and the hometown is always lighten up my heart… who cares of communist at the moment. Who cares of other listener’s reactions...

A friend of mine called in the next day. That’s was the time I cried. I cried to her, for my own loneliness, for my son’s loneliness, for all the right or wrong I did, for K, for B and for me. All my tries… I don’t want my son to be lonely, homeless one day I leave the life…

My apology, Dan, for trying to make you another K. K is un-replaceable. K always has a room in my little heart. Sorry Dan, for trying to use you to forget about B. Sorry for the complicated in me. I know life is hard, but it’s too much hard on my share…